Imperfect Persistence

"I know better then to be friends with boys with girlfriends... or witnessing to the opposite sex.

2012-01-12T23:47:00.001-08:00

I have figured out my problem. I really think I have. Or at least one of them.

I want to save the world.

Now- when reading this, please understand the amount of egotism behind it. As much as I wish I could say this meant save the world through and for Christ

it doesn't

In fact. It's quite the opposite.

I love fixing things. I feel if I can be at the root of a problem, and sort through it enough and solve it, be the hero, that things will just get better for everyone involved. It was to the point where I think I can bring them their salvation, lead them to Christ because of what I have to offer.

and that's messed up.

I find myself mainly experiencing this with guys. To start this off- you must know I am oblivious to most things "romantic" or sexual. I have my own dreams and desires as any female does, but I know it's not my time. So- when I meet a guy, I think POTENTIAL FRIEND. Clearly, these gentlemen, and not-so-gentlemen have other plans.

I have met a lot of different guys lately that in my mind just NEED the Lord. Like we all do. And I want them to know the Lord. So clearly I have to show Him to them? Right?

NO. NOT RIGHT.

In fact, in my case, it's the epitome of wrong.

I'm learning- Faith is something the Lord awakens, not something a person leads.

As me, I CAN'T do it. I can't. Especially to these young men. Because very quickly, what is seen as friendship and witnessing turns into romance or lust, even if just on one side. And then... my "witnessing" is a slippery slope of temptation, misguidance, and plain out danger. They very quickly are willing to get to know the Lord, if it means getting to know me, or any other female in this situation, better. Their rocky faith is set upon a an even more unstable foundation of our friendship/relationship.

And that's bad.

Really bad.

So- as hard as it is for my "save all fix all" mentality to say this..

(Because honestly, I would love to be the one to lead them to the Lord.

I need the honest Christian gentlemen of my generation to step up and lead these men. Because, it's not my place. It's not safe for me or them- but the Lord wants you gentlemen to love them. This is not clearing my slate for sharing the Lord- He reveals many opportunities to share His name for us young ladies- just not ones that leave us with secret boy friends or useless broken hearts.

So- I am praying for you. the Randy Kriegels. The Michael Bowers. The Luke Beavers, Jeff Huddlers, Matt Bryants, Chris Thompsons and Nick Terrys of our generation.

I am praying the Lord leads you to these same young men who's souls are crying out for the Lord, and who will not find it through the girls who want desperately to be able to. I am your prayer warrior, and I ask you to do the same for us. Send the women you meet to us, to love them, shepherd them, disciple them as the Lord leads.

It can't happen any other way. I don't care what arguments you have to make, it is not the right way of witnessing when it leads to broken hearts and unstable foundations made of romance and deceitful lusts. I cannot save them. I cannot save him.

Christ can, and I pray He uses the men of my generation to make it happen.

This Might be My last Chance to Tell Them That You Love Them...

2011-12-07T06:53:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest areas the Lord has been working me lately is convicting me of the amount of time I spend with non-believers. Now- please don't read this incorrectly. It is not wrong to spend time with them. How on earth are we supposed to reach them where they are if we remain on the outskirts of their lives? If there is one thing we know about our Savior it's that He met people where they were. Loved them for who we are. And I think we need to do the same.

Now, this is an amazing concept until you justify it to your core group of friends being not only non believers, but people who despise your faith. There is a certain amount of depth you can get when it comes to non-believers, and beyond that is difficult. I have known these people since beginning of Freshmen year, and I absolutely love them. They consume my prayer life, and honestly, they consume much of my day to day life. I don't think there has been a single day this semester I haven't spent with them. I justified my time with them by having friends in Inter-varsity, my campus ministry. I'd even toss up a prayer request or two for my friends. I had no problem being honest about how much time I spent with them, and even admitting that I needed to distance myself. But- I didn't. I haven't.

The other night I headed back to the dorm with them after our weekly dinner. I was on the bed with one of the girls, just chatting and catching up. She started giving me a hard time about my decision to save my first kiss for marriage. I don't mind sharing this calling on my life with anyone, because honestly, it excites me. She disagrees with it and launched into our usual spill about how I won't be able to pull it off, and that I'd only be able to find a gay man who'd agree with that. I took it in stride, but for some reason I felt the need to leave. It was rubbing me the wrong way, and as her comments excelled it bothered me no one in the room stood up for me.

None of them agreed with anything I had going on. She began accusing me of being mad at her, which I really wasn't, and still aren't. As I headed out she scathingly said

"A real Christian would let me apologize."

I left anyway. I sent her a text on the way back to my apartment saying I was in no way mad at her, just did not feel that was the best time and place to have that discussion. I know- text is NOT the way to handle these things. Trust me.

Then- it was on. I was blasted with how tired she is of my "better-than-thou" faith, and my lack of a backbone when it comes to discussing it. How my need to apologize just means either one day I'll figure out she's right or I only pity her.

I kept trying to retaliate lovingly, but all she had to say was that my faith was pointless, and I lived on the high horse all Christians do. Nothing I said could make her listen. And I knew she was sharing it all with those back in the room, and it was doubtful any one of them was sticking up for me.

I decided to ask her what made her believe I lived a "better than thou" life... her response crushed me.

"The fact that you think all of your friends are going to Hell makes you seem awfully self-righteous if you ask me."

As if this conversation wasn't breaking me enough, this sent me over the edge. I told her my belief in my salvation was NOT from me. Nothing within me made me any different from her. I struggled and hurt and broke things just as much. I'm broken and lost. It's Christ who redeems me and gives me the hope of heaven. Still, she didn't want to hear it... the conversation ended with her decision to not speak to me.

I took a shower and let the helplessness of those moments wash over me. The tears I shed were not for me and for the conversation itself but for her and for all those she has influence over. It was for my inability to show Christ more powerfully to her, and the anger I felt with myself there. Never once was I upset with her, but for her.

I know, no matter how formidable of an enemy she chooses to make herself for Christ, that He has already won.

No matter how much she attacks those who bear the name of Christ, He can handle it. The Lord does not handle it by sobbing in a shower. He loves her nonetheless, and desperately desires her.

Anytime I think of this, I just imagine all she could do for the kingdom. Her passion and fire if geared for the Kingdom would change this world. I could never view her as an enemy. This confrontation has only made me more desperate for her to know Christ.

Whether or not this relationship ends because of this, I just want her to know my Savior. Her idea of heaven hell is so different then mine-

The idea of her spending eternity apart from Christ hurts me. Breaks me. The idea that she may never know that type of love is crushing.

I pray the Lord, if my time there is done, may use another to reach her. Or may come Himself to speak to her in a way she can't ignore.

As hurtful as this confrontation was...

I don't pity her, I don't hate her, all I know how to do is love her and desire for her to be with Christ.

This is the great adventure... (I Promise Never to Reference a Cheesey Christian Pop Song Again)

2011-10-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

This morning I got an email saying my 1 o'clock class was cancelled. As I dropped my 3:30 class this week (19 hours was just a little to much for this kid) this meant my usual hectic and Hades inspired Wednesday was suddenly a lot simpler. I had a 6 hour break somehow rather than going from 8am to 8pm.

I knew I was desperately needing time with my Savior, so I went to my room, grabbed my hammock, bible, journal and a diet coke and headed out to find a place to be alone. I went to the place I mentioned in my last post (mini howards knob) but found no suitable place to string up my hammock. (I think God wanted to provide a place I connect only to Him, not to another... I'm glad He did.)

So- I ventured. Across a giant parking lot. Over a creek. Back over a creek. Back over a parking lot. Finding this little trail nestled in the hill. So I followed it, praying "Lord, provide a place for us." And He did. I kept finding one's that looked good, but for some reason kept walking. Probably a distance over a mile in the woods stood a nook in the path. Two trees perfectly positioned for a hammock, and resting in dappled sunshine. Another tree in perfect reach to keep momentum going for me to swing. It was beautiful.

So- I settled in. Resting in my hammock. Praying out loud (no one was going to be out that far!) I read my bible, planned my lesson for our beginning bible study this Friday, and just rested. I have never felt so content just being still. I feel a weekly habit forming. Minus this next part.

Most people know I have NO sense of direction. None. So- when my alarm rang for me to head home I packed up and began walking. And remembered nothing. I was so lost. Completely lost.

I was a little nervous, so I used the GPS on my phone to find my way back. And this is what it showed.

The blue dot being me. In the woods. No idea of anything in relation to me. I began to notice some huge holes and trees knocked down that I DEFINITELY didn't pass on the way. Yet... I kept going. After about 25 more minutes of aimless wandering in the woods. I texted a few friends. Who didn't respond.

Then- the path breaks. And I'm behind these houses. Scary. Houses. I'm almost positive there was a meth lab in the basement and pot plants on the back porch. If I wasn't so sick of being in the woods aimlessly wandering I probably would have headed back. So- I ran. Avoiding eye contact with the person looking out the window until I got to the road. A road I had never seen before.

I typed in my address on my phone and it said I was six miles from my dorm. I walked down the road one way... and was going the wrong way.

So... I walked the other way about a mile and found myself looking down on the football stadium, quite far away from where i started. Exhausted, and confused as to how I ended up there, I found a bus stop, rode to my dorm, and showered.

I'm determined to find that spot again- and continue until I can find my way home safely.

The time with Jesus was worth it- I just hope He gives me more direction through the woods next time.

Silly stories, and sharing life with the unexpected.

2011-09-26T06:01:00.001-07:00

Being here at App, especially as me, really brings out some funny happenings. I'm telling you guys... between my job and my roomies and friends I laugh almost constantly. No lies. Here's a few stories.

The one thing I would change about my job is working so far away from my dorm. As I don't want to walk back by myself I usually get a ride from another night star, get picked up by a roommate or spend the night on various friend's futons. One night, no sleepover options were available so I had to start asking some different co-workers. No females were working that could drive me so I had to ask this guy Kyle. Didn't know him yet, but after face book stalking some he seemed alright. So- I ask, he says yes and gives me a lift home. 3 minutes in the car tops. Listen to Jesus music, have good conversation. Good night. Now- the funny starts. The next night I'm working in a different building and my RA friends Rachael has a story to tell me.

"Paige. You wouldn't BELIEVE this night star here the other night. He was so funny. He said he had a blind date after work, and we were all like- you get off at 4am. You don't have a date. He kept saying he did, and finally explained some girl had text him asking for a ride home from work, and he looked on FB and saw she was cute. Said he might pull in a parking lot and see where things go."

My response was not laughter. But rather horror. My friend looks at me in confusion.

"Rachael- that was me..." *Awkward*

BTW- He did NOT pull into a parking lot. And I'm NOT asking for another ride.

Now- I LOVE my roommates this year. I knew them last year, but didn't hang out with them a whole lot. This year... I love being in my apartment. They are HYSTERICAL. We like to hack each other's facebooks, cook for each other, have dance parties, prank the boys across the hall, and just be together. I love it.

The other day... my roomies decided to prank me. When I woke up in the morning the boys across the hall had decided to prank us by putting a HUGE cardboard box in front of our door, making it really difficult to get out. I cracked up, and decided it was worth giving my roommates the same experience I did. Put the box back in place and headed on my merry way. When I get home later, they don't mention the box, but it's gone and they're just getting ready to leave. We're all in my room talking, and they're being rather giggly. I just play it off as them being them and turn around to my bed. I note that it looks a little odd, but just thought I needed to make. I flop down on it... and it's HARD. And NOT a mattress. To retaliate to ME they had removed my mattress and replaced it with the box from the boys.

This next thing isn't necessarily funny- I just appreciate the events that happened. I allowed myself to sleep in one weekend and I think the first time ever slept after noon. (It had been a long week!) I woke up to a text from my friend Gunnar saying "fooooood." I gave him a call and we decided to catch up on life and get some 2pm breakfast at Boone Bagelry. We met at the bottom of my hill, and sat at this little restaurant on King Street for almost 2 hours and just talked. About school, about my past, his past, about God, about the biker who almost got hit by a car, and the grasshopper who took a kamikaze jump. We laughed and talked and laughed. It was a glorious reunion of friends who hadn't spoken in a few weeks. Then- he said he would walk me back up to app heights, but I had to guide us on an adventure to get there. So- we walked across campus, went through the music building, where he found the grand pianos and spent 30 minutes playing "Fur Elise" and "Moonlight Sonata" and other pretty songs. He tried to teach me, but I'm awful at piano. I didn't know he played- I think I fell in love with that part of him. To bad he's undecided about Jesus.

Then- we took these trails that go up to my dorm, when all of a sudden he runs off into the woods, calling me after him. We ran through the woods stumbling over our flip flops, no goal in sight, and end up in the backyard of the Chancellor. He guides us (I'm too terrified of getting caught!) on an outdoor tour of the chancellors home and then we slip into the greenwood parking lot unnoticed. He leads the way to a spot he discovered last year he calls "mini Howard's knob." It's just this little outlook giving a view of campus. And so we sat up there. Throwing rocks. Seeing who can throw further. Picking flowers, and playing grass whistles. And we talked and talked and talked. We talked more about his stance with Christ. About the idea of love languages, and decided what each other's are. It was just two friends, spending a Sunday afternoon- being vulnerable with each other, and just sharing our stories. It wasn't as a couple, there wasn't any expectation, and there wasn't any attempt for fake romance. It was just simple. Sharing life together- with a beautiful view. And I loved every moment of it.

It seems like no man's land...

2011-09-05T20:59:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm in no man's land when it comes to my relationships at school. That middle ground between two sides... where one never wants to be, but sometimes a soldier must warily cross. As I mentioned in this post I'm really struggling to escape from what my world was like last year, and cross into a more focused one. This "no man's land" feeling was at it's peak the other night.

I invited a few friends I've made this year over, and was cooking dinner for them, and intending to hang out and watch "Tangled" until I had to work. There was 4 of them who are my "new year" group. All who I am getting to know more and more, and absolutely loving the intentional Christ based friendships we're forming.

Suddenly, in through the door comes my "college BFF" from last year. I offered him to stick around for dinner, and being a collegiate boy he complied and took a seat on my couch, pleasantly joining the conversation. With him there, it seemed alright. He was one who was teetering on the edge of faith last year, and I want to remain close to. Kid has potential.

Then... my phone buzzes with a text saying "COME LET US IN" Surprise! Last years couple friends decided to crash in and visit...

Suddenly, my two worlds I've created are meshing. One, being a world I'm in desperate need of. The other I'm too much a coward to sever completely...

I hated the feeling of shame that came along as the last year crowd took over the conversation simply because of familiarity and that sense of comfort that things don't have to change... They were referencing pieces of me that came from last year that I didn't want said. They were on my computer playing videos I didn't want to hear. I had to ask them several times to stop using that type of language. There was a knot in my stomach the whole time... because it hurt to have them back. I was ashamed of who it reminded me I was for that short time.

Don't get me wrong- my freshmen year was great. But my focus wasn't spot on the whole time. I didn't make the kind of commitments to my faith I wish I had. I'm committed to changing that... but it's hard.

It's a daily decision to pick different people to be around. To not go back to what so quickly became comfortable last year.

So... as I sat in "no man's land" I didn't know what to do. Do I allow my new friends to get a glimpse of who I was last year through these people? I mean... I've shared some with them... but this was full on version.

Or... do I offend the old friends. Kick them out, or tell them to can it.

I'm terrified I won't have that comfortable place to fall back to, even if I don't know it...

and I'm terrified these new friends won't accept me in full form.

No man's land was a terrible place... but I know I'm going to have to face these two separate worlds. Face them, and adjust them to the Maker's intentions. I don't know what He has planned for me with the old one... and I don't know what kind of honesty I'm called to in the new one...

So for now... I'm gonna huddle down and hope this war doesn't press in too close...

The Clash... (Read like the Claaaaaaaaaw)

2011-08-31T12:35:00.000-07:00

I remember hearing as I grew up in the church that if your lifestyle does not clash with those of non-believers, or if no one is upset or offended by your faith based choices you are not living closely enough with scripture. I always struggled with that, being that I like to be an agreeable person. I (generally) do not enjoy confrontation and do not wish to offend others. I really struggle with the concept that confrontation would come just because of my choices based on a biblical world view and a life committed to Christ. In my mind, as Christians, we were supposed to be peaceful, and get along with all. I called it love, when it all honesty, I just had no backbone.

You see- what I misunderstood was that when someone is offended by my choices based on faith they are not persecuting ME, they are persecuting Christ. When people disagree with my biblically based views it's not ME they have a problem with, it's with my savior. And He can handle it, and through Him so can I.

Things are such polar opposites between my relationships with people from last year and this year. So different. I can recall moments from last year when rather than sticking with my convictions I knew could be validated in scripture, I would either say nothing at all or spin around the truth of the matter. I avoided the chance people would disagree with my values.

I would be saying things, like "I don't really disagree with that lifestyle choice... I just don't want to do so myself"

or, "I can be around that as long as I don't take part of it..."

That landed me in the middle of friendships and positions that led me to sinful "half-decisions" and relationships that were toxic to my faith.

Now- I'm back. And all of it is rushing back. The same friends are wanting to be around and the same situations are pressing in but this year I have a different fire to me. I don't want to make those choices, I don't want to push my Faith and value into the background. So- with this comes some tough decisions and tough interactions.

I don't fully know how to tell those I still want to be around but, not as greatly, that I need distance. I don't hate them, I just need to put myself in friendships that encourage my Faith. I'm not asking to only be around Christians and sit behind closed doors and "pray for those lost" but I need relationships based on Christ. And I didn't have that last year. Not that the friendships weren't real, or treasured by me, it's just that there is a certain depth that comes when having the foundation of Christ to build on.

I don't know how to tell them without having terror that I will push them away.

But... I need the boldness to say

"I care about you guys, but the choices you are making in your dating relationship are hard for me to be around consistently."

and "The things you guys are choosing to put into your body are not things I want to be around, and at this point I can't handle the peer pressure that comes when I'm around it."

So- I finally understand it. My life is GOING to clash with those not of my Faith. They aren't going to get it. They are going to be bothered when I choose not to involve myself. But- when I know I am not strong enough to resist the temptation and influence of their lifestyles I am going to have to distance myself. And honestly, that stinks. Because these are all people I love dearly. They all have such a special place in my life. But what it boils down to is that My God, and My Faith has to matter more. No matter how much I love them.

So-I pray for the coming confrontation. And the boldness to battle it with grace, understanding, love, and a backbone.

Clay Pots and Brokeness

2011-08-26T06:58:00.001-07:00

I was reading Romans today, and came across this verse.

21 Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for special purposes and some for common use? (Rom. 9:21)

Most know that this is in reference to the fact that we are God's creation, and it is His right to use us as He pleases. He makes us for a purpose, and maps out our life with the chances to choose Him and be who He designs us to be.

You see, I am a firm believer in the fact that God has designed every moment in our lives for a chance for HIM to be glorified. Every. Moment. In everything we do and are, our souls are crying out to give Him the praise- whether we acknowledge it or not. This is a beautiful thing, a powerful thing. Giving God so much control, and recognizing His ever present plan for our life, it's intense.

As normal for coming over a verse that strikes my attention, I look to if I have read it before, or heard someone speak on it before. Scribbled on the side was a note that really hit me-

"Jars are replaceable"

When it comes to clay pots such as mentioned in this verse, they were used largely. There would have been a lot of jars, all for multiple uses and purposes, and would have been made often, and in almost every household. If one broke, another could be made to replace it. Clay jars were something people in this time would understand. They were common. Basic. Useful. Replaceable.

Now this in light of our lives is shocking. Yes- God clearly gives opportunities for His name to receive the glory. He knows He deserves it, and His name will be praised and spread. He graces us with the opportunity to be apart of the glorious outbreaking of His name.

However- so often in our lives we choose to not be apart. We choose something lesser than what He is. We disagree with the calling on our lives, and like a clay pot correcting the potter, choose our own path. While we serve a God whose Grace is far reaching, and who brings His ever prodigal children back to Him, He can, in His sovereignty, deem us replaceable. When we consistently choose other things over Him, stray from His plans, and willingly pass up opportunities to be apart of His great story, He will pass His plans onto someone else.

The perverse of heart shall be far from me; I will have nothing to do with what is evil.
Psalm 101:3-5

But your iniquities have separated you from your God; your sins have hidden his face from you, so that he will not hear.
Isaiah 59:1-3

There is something almost haunting to me to know that my seemingly small decisions can completely distance me from God. That when we allow our natures to come over us and give over the fight to sin and the easy way out we are turning to our Lord and Father and saying our way is best. We cry out to Him like the Psalmist when the distance is our own choice and fault.

“Hear my prayer, LORD, listen to my cry for help; do not be deaf to my weeping. I dwell with you as a foreigner, a stranger, as all my ancestors were.
Psalm 39:11-13

Yet.. though I know I have forsaken Him time and time again, He still turns His face to me, He still comforts me. When I would have deserved the destruction and shattered pieces around me He picked me up, threw some of His holy water on the clay and spun me again... whispering His intentions as the Creator worked. Giving me time to heal, and forming me with beautiful intentions.. into a new pot. A new creation. Set me before Him, and presented His purpose, with no hint of my past broken existence.

The Master Potter remakes, reforms, and always returns... especially when we're broken.

Beloved

2011-07-27T20:32:00.000-07:00

I am in awe of how quickly I falter. Of how I can go from being at the what seems like the summit of my spiritual walk only to tumble, hitting every obstacle in my descent. In ways that don't even tie into the things I do. It goes deeper then my time in the word, my time in prayer or the ways I am led to serve. So quickly do I fall prey to His words. In the times I am alone His whisperings come, completing thoughts I shoved into the crevices of my mind, bringing forth the ugliest and most painful of thoughts. Whispering fears I have never voiced, but He some how knows will weaken me. I fall into His traps, His luring, and feel the shame of it. The tricks He knows to play in my mind go beyond what I can try to explain. The enemy is so gifted in destruction. Destruction in ways one doesn't even know. I take His words, and believe them to be my thoughts. Take His haunting lies and make them my reality...

But the beautiful thing is... I don't have to fall prey to this. While it is so painfully obvious my flesh is too weak to hold out, it is not me who needs to have the strength. For I have found that it is in the moments where I feel the enemy so powerfully holding on to me, I hear His whisper.

And the way He has chosen to address me in these moments wipes away all the lies his alter has spoken to me.

Beloved.

Even when the Enemy seems to be screaming in my ear all I am not, and all I should be, but just can't amount to, still HIS voice overcomes it all. When Satan has left me wanting to scream out "where were you? When He was tainting my thoughts, and sending me to this place, where were you?"

HE says "Beloved, I was on the cross."

"I was on the cross, and then, Beloved, I was in the grave, and I was in Hell. And I defeated it. I felt all of those thoughts, all of those taunting painful moments. The betrayal, loss, anger, lust, lostness, the loneliness that you feel will never subside, I felt it all. And in My death, and in My rising, it is dead. No longer are you enslaved to all this world and its ruler gives. By ME, by My death, by My resurrection You no longer need to endure. Because, everything you are enduring now, I endured many and many times more...

And I did so I could call you what you are to Me.

Cleansed. Cherished. Adopted.Valued.Precious.

My Beloved.

I AM WHO I AM

2011-06-24T19:13:00.001-07:00

"It is what it is"

That endearing, and sometimes positive sentiment has been something I have always heard. It was a phrase I came to understand as I grew up that was meant to encourage me. It was meant to mean that, honestly, I can't change this situation, this person. That I can't change much, I can only accept it for what it is and make the most of it. I guess one could see it as a coping mechanism. And too be honest, I lived by it for awhile.

If things were rough in a friendship... it is what it is.

If I didn't understand a decision in my family... it is what it is.

When I felt lost, or broken, or left with the mess of my own choices... it is what it is.

Then I realized that simply isn't enough for me. It was only a way to be apathetic towards my situation. It was a reason to ignore my emotions or thoughts, and rather than abandon it over to God, I would push it down, saying "oh it's helpless, forget it."

To me, "it is what it is" was NOT a way to make the most of a situation, it was a way to ignore it. But... I'm not called to live like that. Every situation I am in is a part of His plan for me. When I feel helpless or lost I'm not meant to turn away from it, and press on, I am supposed to turn to the One who gives me worth.

It can't be "it is what it is..." it HAS to be "I AM WHO I AM"

Living an "it is what it is" lifestyle leaves no room for the Lord to work. At least it didn't for me. Because it isn't always as it is, there is a deeper meaning to most things we face. There is a deeper message, a deeper calling.

Because every situation I am in. Every struggle. Every moment of peace. Every hurt, every joy, every relationship that is broken or beautiful can, and is, meant to show me a side of God's character. There are so many intricate pieces of His love I haven't even had a glimpse of that He wants to show me. And I sincerely pray He begins to show me more and more of who He is. That means I will have turn over more and more of what I deemed "as it is" and step aside for His glory to be seen. There is not a single thing in my life or yours that the Lord cannot work through.

I think part of the reason God told Moses that His name was and is I AM WHO I AM is because there is so much that God IS that it can't be summed up. I AM WHO I AM leaves you eager to know more. To find out what that means, and who He really is. I don't believe it was a closing statement as much as an invitation to find out who He is is. To find out all He is capable of. To experience this life through and with Him, and slowly be shown pieces of His character.

God has come to me as a Father, as a Comforter, as my Hope, as my Guide. And I desperately thirst to know more. To quit living as if things can't be changed, as if things don't matter. There is a piece of His character, of His very being that can encompass my life and teach me more about Him. And in the end, that's what this is all about. He has more to show us about who He is, because one day we'll figure out He is all that matters.

No longer can I live with the "it is what it is" mentality, but only with I AM WHO I AM, in the hopes I will come to understand that phrase for all it is, for All He Is.

Interning...

2011-06-12T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have a lot of different emotions going into my summer internship at Rich Fork. It's been three weeks now, and I absolutely love it, but there is definitely a lot of mixed emotions as the weeks go on.

First: I'm amazed at how God has ordained this whole thing. I began thinking about this summer in October of last year, and God very quickly prompted me to request an internship at my home church, when I didn't see a real need to be there. I wanted to be going to Kenya or China, and God tells me to stay in Thomasville. I am so glad he did. In the months following the children's minister suffered three brain aneurysms, leading to extensive brain surgery and a lengthy and difficult recovery period. It was a miracle in itself God brought her through that, and had worked out for things to be covered at the church long before any of her medical issues appeared. While I hadn't seen any reason for me to be there, God knew what would need to happen for summer to go smoothly in the Children's Ministry. I am not saying by any means I am better then Gaylin. I admire her ways with the children, and I hope you know how much they miss you. She is a truly remarkable woman!

After amazement comes excitement. What else would I want to do with my summer then get to spend countless hours with kids?! That's completely up my alley! Seriously. I love being with those guys every Sunday and Wednesday. They are absolutely amazing.

Then... I feel a little inadequate. While I can spend time with kids 24/7, teaching them is a whole new thing to me. The nerves I feel getting up in front of them each week are horrifying. I want to be an example for them, I want to show them the love of a Creator they can't even begin to understand. It's when I am feeling like I'm just not enough, I think of people God used in the past. People like, Moses. I mean come on, if God can work through a stuttering murderer surely He won't have called me to this to fail. I must constantly remind myself that this can't be about ME. It's not my words, or my message. It's not even my energy. This all needs to be a reflection back to Him...

And I'm gonna be honest... I have issues with giving Him all the glory. There are little tiny pieces I want to keep for myself, and even whole portions. But that will quickly make this me focused... not HE focused. I'm very quickly one to want to be recognized or praised, words of affirmation to an extra level.

Then, once my head gets through all that I'm just appalled by how much work this actually is. Gaylin is a very talented woman to juggle all this at once. The paperwork, planning, emails, art projects, designing, prayer, organizing- working with the kids isn't the hard part, it's preparing things to get ready for them. I love all I am doing, it has just much more than I ever expected.

This summer will be nothing short of amazing, I just need to be focused on the right things, and remember who this is really all about. It's not me, it's not even the kids... it's about Him, and He deserves this glory more than I can even begin to understand.

Amanda and Nick Land Wedding

2011-06-07T09:05:00.000-07:00

Imperfect. Persistence.

2011-05-23T17:56:00.001-07:00

Imperfect. Persistence.

I know a year or two ago when I changed the title of my blog to that, half of that was true. I have definitely always been so imperfect. Not in any way with falling self-esteem or a pity for myself. I am just, in every way, imperfect. The kind of imperfection that sums up the human race. Our need to succeed on our own. Our desperation to belong, and finding that sense of love in all the wrong places. My depravity is so deeply rooted in me. My flesh just so often determines how I think and act. I "am a slave to sin" (Romans 7:14-25)... Something that has been much of a grievance on my heart lately. I can feel the weight of our fall from the Lord so heavily on my heart. Know that there is nothing in me that deserves all He is, and willing gives for me, for us.

But I feel like this new sense of imperfection that has been so obvious has just been in many ways God revealing to me just how far and wide his grace stretches. I finally feel the second half of it coming true...

Persistence.

Something has changed lately. I just want more of Him.

I want more time with fellow believers.

I want to sit at the feet of those who have experienced His love more than I and just listen.

I want to dig into His word with a sense of urgency I have never experienced.

I want to pray with everything in me, just be near to Him.

And this is a sense of persistence I have never had before. I have always been good about knowing the answers, and trying to serve... but now there seems to be a different passion behind it. I feel like I am truly falling in love with Christ. And that's a sensation, a deeply rooted sensation that I haven't felt before.

I was talking with a very close friend about somethings pressing down on my heart, and in the middle of our conversation, she said something that struck a new chord in me...

I have been so easily frustrated with my decisions and place in life, and was connecting something I clearly remember the Lord guiding me in to some of these frustrations when she said...

"Did you ever think, that all of this searching is just supposed to be bringing you closer to Him?"

For once, it wasn't about the path God has me on, my decisions, what I need to be doing or going...

It became just about knowing Him. And the fact He wants me to draw closer to Him gives me those deep chills. The one's you get when you feel His presence drawing in around you.

I just want to know Him deeper. Feel Him closer. Dig into His word. Glean off of those who have gone before. Love with His passion. Pray unceasingly. I want faith like "the ancients were commended for" (Heb. 11:2) I just want Him.

It is no longer about my imperfection, about my deep sense of depravity.

It's about this persistence He is springing up in me. I know none of what in me that is good is mine. It's all Him...

And I want the persistence to love Him more deeply and more powerfully then ever before...

The End is Near my Dear...

2011-05-02T05:19:00.000-07:00

I am almost done with my Freshmen year of college.

Woah.

This is seriously crazy to me. I am so excited to be home in Thomasville, and for everything this summer will be and catching up with my BFF's who I am missing terribly...

But right now I cannot believe I am really only 3 days shy of being done. My grades are turning out well, a feat I am proud of based on my over zealous scheduling.

I am going to miss these people here so much. So much. I was blessed

with every type of person I could need up here. My hall is so absolutely amazing.

They have given me experiences I won't forget.

Conversations that have shaped me.

Friendships that I treasure.

Nights of staying up way to late

Laughing until my sides hurt and I'm coughing like a smoker.

In the beginning of the semester I was so intimidated by these people... and now we have become a sincere family. I know all of them will take care of me, as they have all year. They are just the people I have needed here... and I am so grateful for every moment we've had... and so sad to go.

Kaitlyn: Best roomie I eva had

(Left to Right)

Kim, Brad, Judy, (Me), Caroline, and Andrew

I love this group. They kept me alive and functioning this year

Patrick: He gives the best hugs.

And makes me smile.

He also knows a lot about wild dogs of Africa.

I checked his paper.

Rachael: Her faith AMAZES me.

She and I can talk about Jesus for HOURS.

And she is of the same opinions of purity as me- just as passionate and opinionated.

We encouraged eachother on that often.

Ellie!!! She's my favorite Georgian.

Sarah: Simply my favorite.

I couldn't sleep without telling her goodnight

We stayed up way to many nights talking about any and everything

Ariel and Kaitlyn: Nights like this were my favorite.

Ariel encouraged me so much.

She's my school Mom.

ANNIE!!! Her and I got really close this last semester.

I simply adore her

GUNNAR!!!

He's my newest friend. And he is hysterical. And challenging.

And one of my new favorite people.

And the list is:

Cory, Colby, Jonathan, Alexis, Stephan, Kelly, Lauren, Patrick, Kara, Megan, Allison, Amanda, Annie, Joshua, Anika, Crystal, Sarah, Brittany, Gunnar, Rachael. Bobby, Steven, Kaitlyn, Ellie, John, Taylor, Sarah, Virginia, Bryan.

Cone Hall floor 3:

They're they best .

And I don't want to leave them.

Just a little bit...

2011-04-13T15:51:00.000-07:00

There is a song I am obsessed with lately. I listen to it over and over, and it just sums up almost everything I feel and act off of. It was one that just popped up in my itunes, and blew me away...

It's called "Just A Little Bit" by Maria Mena. The chorus, to me, is something I think every person, especially every woman feels..

just a little bit stronger

just a little bit wiser

just a little less needy

and maybe i'd get there

just a little bit pretty

just a little more aware

just a little bit thinner

and maybe i'd get there

This song fits every thought and every action of mine. I am always trying to just be more. Just a little better. I want to be

smarter

prettier

funnier

thinner

wiser

more patient

kinder

stronger

faster

more appealing

strong willed

Braver

Gutsier

I want to be more.

There is so much more I want to make myself, in a way that goes beyond healthy aspirations. I struggle to see myself in a light that is pleasing. In a way that is love-able. People have told me over and over that I am these things.

But for some reason to see ourselves in a positive light is near impossible.

But WHY? Why is it that we can't seem to see ourselves for who we are. All of these things we compare ourselves too, the things we want to be, they generally are not things to glorify God. We can diet and study and put ourselves out there in desperation to just be more...

But what if instead... all that time we were trying to be something that will have significance in this world, we were trying to be something of significance in His Kingdom.

What if instead of slurring insults at ourselves and filling our journals and minds with the things we think we're not enough of, we were listening for the still small voice of our Father, our Abba, our Daddy...

What if we saw ourselves as He created us.

Beautiful.

Unique.

Purposeful.

Treasured.

I am a daughter of the king. A beautiful, special creation. Made for the purpose of knowing Him and making Him known. I am so much more than I think this world wants me to be, so much more than any man, magazine or anything my mind wants to throw my way. I am treasured. I am desired. I am endlessly pursued. I am worth more than anything in this world to Him, the only one who should truly matter.

Maybe... if we could begin to see ourselves as His... just so much would change. Everyone, everything about us would change. Just if we can rest secure and comforted in the fact that

We. Are. His.

I may be broken, I may be a hindrance to my own and sometimes His desires for me, but He loves me. He wants me. And to have that fact resting in the back of my mind, surfacing in everything I do...

That could make all the difference in the world...

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139:14

Mary Edminson

2011-04-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

That girl up there. The one who's name is the title of this post, yea that one. She is the best. Ever. I cannot even begin to sum up how amazing I think she is. I am so lucky to call her my best friend. So so lucky.

Today, Mary and I finally just talked. Real talk. What felt like a 20 minute conversation turned out to be over an hour. I sat curled up in a ball in the lobby of my dorm cradling my phone. We both just had spurts- one would listen while the other just talked and talked. All things we needed to say. All things we needed to have heard, or needed to hear. We ranted, cried, laughed, sat in silence, and it was just what I needed.

Guys- I don't think you really know how amazing Mary is. She is absolutely fantastic- I used to think I was teaching her things, but that changed a while ago. Now, every time we talk she is challenging me and teaching me so much about Faith and the love of our Creator. She has such a strong faith- the strongest I know of in her class, and she always amazes me. She always hated being known as someone who was wise- but Mary has so much wisdom beyond her years. She should write a book. Or several, explaining the world and God and faith and love and life in her way of seeing it- it would astound people. And I would sit back and read it and laugh to myself that I was lucky to have her this whole time. The whole world needs a glimpse into her mind, and I just love her. And I am so so thankful for her.

Today, we were talking about my personal struggle with self image, something she knows I have had issues with for sometime. Her point of view on it was exactly the light I needed to see it clearly:

"Just think, whenever you're feeling down on yourself or your struggling that He wouldn't have died for you to feel worthless. Christ wouldn't have went through that pain to watch you feel like you have nothing. God wouldn't have turned His back on His son, and let that happen for you to feel like there is no hope. You have all of your worth in Him."

I mean really- I don't know of anyone who at 17 has that figured out. Who has their faith so centered at that point that they know to focus their relationships on Christ, is teaching a 7th grade class, or teaching their older friends more and more on a daily basis. She amazes me. Times about a million.

Mary and I's relationship really amazes me. We are so much alike it is almost scary. We can begin explaining something and before our own thoughts are even complete we know what the other means. We have endless jokes, we have had so many chats where the seriousness of what is being discussed would shock most people. Mary and I just click. We just get each other. And I think everyone needs that type of friend.

And I'm so glad God has this all ordained and worked out for us to work out. Who would of thought that, as I was running around in New York as a little kid, and Mary in Louisiana, that our hearts were being formed and knit together so we could be there for each other.

I don't think our friendship is a coincidence. I don't think much of anything in your life is a coincidence. I believe Mary and I have a friendship that will last. We have had our tiffs, our fights, our moments of distance, but even with hours of distance between us we are still thriving in our friendship.

I couldn't make it without her. And I want her to come visit me. Like now. Because not seeing her till this summer just hurts my heart. A lot.

Mary- you've changed my life. And I miss you. And I can't wait till this summer and till Honduras. You have had the biggest impact in my life, and I love you so much.

You my best friend. Like. Ever.

So 6am... how ya doing.

2011-04-06T02:27:00.001-07:00

Oh how I just love this. It's 5:30 in the morning. No- I didn't just get up. I'm a mere 2 hours short of being awake for 24 hours. That's totally healthy, right? This blog will probably yet again serve no purpose other than my writing in hopes to calm down my whirring mind. This week is going to be insane. Monday night I had my quartet concert. Words can't even express how amazing it felt to be playing up there. Right amongst the music majors; the people who take weekly lessons and spend hours in the practice room, and I was able to play along with 3 of the best, all while my Mom watched. Why that amazing woman drove 2 1/2 hours both ways just to watch me play for maybe 15 minutes, I don't know. But, turning out to the audience mid playing and seeing her smiling face was- bliss. She is proud of me. Amongst all of my mess and craziness and over scheduling, my Mom still won't miss an opportunity to hear me play. And realizing that on stage made me realize how sweet those moments are. So I savored every note. Every time I played the melody line I felt like I was glowing. Having her there, so proud of me and so willing to support me at every opportunity. Music changes things in me, and I am so incredibly grateful for it.

The rest of this week will consist of my plays. I've been working on "As You Like It" all semester. Hours of rehearsals each week, new friends, hysterical moments, hours pacing my room quoting Shakespeare at my roommate. I love it. Every rehearsal I feel so much tension leave. We start those familiar warm ups and I just relax. Acting is something I can do, and I love it. I don't stress over it. I get those pre-performance butterflies, but that's part of the excitement. This play has been good for me. It may have stretched my time for myself thin, but it has been so amazing. I can't wait to watch it unfold for an audience these next three nights. It's all been so worth it.

Amidst all the performances and what seems like temporary glamor there are still my classes to attend, exams to take, work to be done, and in my case, no sleep to be had. I'm kind of stressing, my school website is malfunctioning so rather than using this time to be productive I cannot do anything to prepare for my sociology exam as I cannot get to the document for review. So that's fun.

I have been having some emotional ups and downs. Been realizing what types of people one surrounds yourself with does matter. I found myself making some silly decisions- nothing terrible or life damaging... I just figured when your friend has some how convinced you crawling out onto a ledge from a window is a good idea, they might be a bad influence. And lock you out on a ledge. No harm done, I'm safe, just making some realizations about who to surround myself with.

Bailey Bowers- I know you're going to scold me for my ridiculous-ness. I love you.

I'm coming home this Friday. My mom is coming to see the play that evening, and I will be home. Such a fantastic thing. I so look forward to being with my family in it's entirety. Hearing from them every weekend and not being with them is so emotionally draining at points. I can't wait to have a family dinner, cuddle with my specter, read just because in my big comfy chair, hug a Mary and a Catie, be at Rich Fork on Sunday and just relax. I'm viewing it as my mini vacation and much needed rest after I finish out with all my extra curricular activities this week. I simply cannot wait.

Now then. I have divulged much more of my life than I maybe should in a blog, and as the automatic lights on my hall are shutting off surrounding me in darkness I just might try to get some sleep now. Praying the dear Lord wakes me up refreshed for my 11am class somehow.

I miss all who may have the time to read this. I love you, I promise, I'm not being silly anymore, and now, I hope this is off to bed.

This is not a proper blog post.

2011-03-29T23:32:00.001-07:00

I don't know what on earth is going on in my head right now.

I am flustered.

I am tired.

I am anxious all the time.

My heart is racing.

It's not school related.

I'm doing fine in all of my classes.

I'm proud of my accomplishments this summer.

A half naked guy just interrupted my attempt at thought

I'm just an emotional wreck.

I want to sleep all day

but at night I'm up for hours

trying to do something productive

but instead my mind spinning over thousands of things.

I just want to sit and cry right now.

I'm acting oddly.

I want an explanation as to why.

I have no appetite.

I'm sick of having headaches.

I'm being whiny.

Which makes me angry at myself.

I want it to be this summer.

I want Mary Edminson to come see me so I can just get all this out.

She gets me.

And I love her for it.

I don't even have to say anything.

She just knows me.

It's scary almost.

And just the type of friend I need.

I'm listening to bad techno music right now.

I like the beat.

I failed at Lent.

That disappoints me.

I want Gunnar to text me.

You guys don't know Gunnar but that is unimportant.

I should be going over psychology right now.

I'm supposed to know all about mental disorders.

While I feel like I'm the definition of one right now.

I need to do well on that.

I did make a 100 on my paper.

So that was nice.

It makes me have a B in psych now.

So I feel less dumb.

Those last sentences were almost focused enough to warrant a paragraph.

I'm sitting in my lounge.

Writing a pointless blog.

The elevator keeps stopping on our floor and no one gets off.

I just remembered I was supposed to be with a friend at the library.

I hope she isn't still there.

Brad gave me a saferide from the library tonight.

We talked about his girl problems.

But that's all we ever talk about.

I want Brad to love Jesus.

Just because he would be an amazing person in that sense.

He is one of my favorites.

I planned my schedule for next semester.

And I love it.

I'm going to take fencing.

My mother said "I'll be perfect at it"

I think I'll injure someone in the first day.

Probably shouldn't encourage people I like to take that class with me then, huh?

My head is starting to hurt.

At the base of my neck.

That's obnoxious.

I want to read Harry Potter.

Or watch Hercules.

My friends here laugh because I can quote that entire movie.

Personally, I think it would look great on a resume one day.

I have no idea how to fill out a resume.

I never got that lesson.

Or maybe I skipped my digital communications that day.

I did that a lot that year.

But high school was silly anyway.

I'm glad everyone that ties me to east will be done after this year.

Going back can be awkward.

But eh. Whatever.

I'm wondering how many of you have continued to read this far.

I have a fun week next week.

Plays and quartets.

That should be nice.

Except that I have to skip class and work for them.

Which won't be nice.

Haven't missed Social Work yet.

I miss my family.

It makes me sad when I know they're home together every weekend, and I'm not.

Even having Harry Potter marathons with friends doesn't make it easier.

A nice boy from work did ask me to hang out with him this weekend.

Maybe he'll love Jesus.

And I'll quit picking once that don't love Jesus.

It'd be nice for a change.

Then I could finally tell the Beavers I found a boy who loves Jesus.

And they would buy me that funny tshirt Jess showed me that one time.

I also miss Rich Fork.

Like a lot.

Or maybe I just miss church.

As I have been terrible about going lately.

I still love Jesus.

Headaches just suck and seem to like to happen on Sunday mornings.

They're not hangovers, so don't assume that.

I don't drink. Nope. I don't like it.

I used to like the idea of it, but it doesn't interest me at all.

I get made fun of for that.

People also want to know why I don't want to trip acid.

Or take 5x the amount of cough syrup.

I don't care if "it'll make me see alligators"

I like having brain cells, thanks.

I think I'll laugh at myself when I read this over.

Then quote Gilmore Girls in reference to my Brain.

It's a big bag of weird in there.

I'll be surprised if Bailey Bowers even reads all this nonsense.

That kid loves me more then I deserve.

I can't wait to get her letter from my mail box tomorrow.

She's presh.

Precious if you will.

Well.

I think I'm going to go to bed now.

Or study.

Or listen to more techno.

Or maybe I'll run into someone in the hallway and chat.

That's always good too.

Well.

This is... special.

But my mind actually feels a little better though

And I want an icy pop.

I'm functioning off of oranges and icy pops.

It's all I want to eat.

My roommate and i both eat our feelings in icy pops.

At least we split the cost.

I just remembered I was done writing this.

About 10 sentences ago.

Brad is done with saferide now.

Now I know he isn't going to die.

That's good.

Ok.

I think I'm done now.

I think someone is in the hallway I can talk to.

Those convos are the best.

Mmmkay.

Bye.

Disjointed

2011-03-24T09:40:00.000-07:00

I'm at a rough point right now... I feel incredibly disjointed... very unconnected from everything. I have a ton of different things going on here at school, all things I love, but all things I cannot give my full attention too because of my terrible habit of over committing. Amidst my 18 hour class load, work on most nights, quartet rehearsals, play practice, and endless hours in the library I have lost it. All this has made me into a very self-centered person. All I have time for is focusing on me. If I'm not focusing on my classes or my play or my quartet or my schedule I'm sleeping. It's not that I want it to be all about me... it just has turned out that way... I hate that I don't have time for my friends right now. I hate that my relationships both here and at home seem to be fading because I just don't have the time. I miss Mary and Catie. I want to be with them laughing and talking. I want to be there when I know they are struggling and hurting. I want to be with them. I want to be at home with my family on the weekends, laughing and playing games and talking. I miss that. I want to be at the Bowers and Beavers house, playing with their kids and talking with the adults God has given me as guides. I want to be in Matt's office annoying him and reading his books, I want to be in Thomasville. I love everything App is and I will miss it when it's time to leave, but as this semester is winding down I'm just eager for the familiarity of home.

Please, please don't think I'm trying to be selfish. I know how self-centered this sounds. I don't even want this to come off as me complaining. I signed up for all of this. I knew it would be hard. I know it all. I promise. I just want time. For there to be more of it, for it to move a bit slower, for me to be more efficient with it. While I want it to move slower I also desperately want this semester to be done. I'm pulling my hair out trying to do it all. I talked with my Dad last night for about half an hour, ranting and crying and just letting it all out. I am such a perfectionist that not only do I want to be doing all these things, I want to be doing them perfectly. I want all of my grades to be at the top, I want all of my tests to go well, I want to be more than sufficient at work, I want to be the best in my quartet, I want to have all of my lines memorized and not feel so inadequate at all of this. I thought all of that was the expectation everyone had for me. I thought my parents wanted me to be doing this all perfectly. However, I'm the only one with such ridiculous expectations for myself. My parents are proud of how much I am putting myself out there. They don't think I'm a failure if I don't get an A in all of my classes. They know how thin I'm stretched out, how tired and spent I am. And they love me amidst all of my chaos. I need to line up my expectations with those that others have for me. Because mine are beyond far fetched. I know not to schedule myself this intensely again. I know not to say yes to everything. I now know there really is too much of a good thing. But for now I just have to push through. I am not one to back out of commitments. I refuse to let people down. I can finish this out. I know I have the strength and commitment to do this. I may need to call and rant. I may not be as social as I desire, but at least I know I am almost done. I am almost finished with this semester. And I know coming out at the end I will be proud of my accomplishments. I will push through this, and it will be worth it in the end. This is a learning experience, one that I will from it everything I can- frustrations and all.

Scavenger Hunt Sunday :)

2011-03-20T13:34:00.001-07:00

This weeks theme actually allows me to use some older pictures I like, and some newer ones as well... Had a great time collecting them as usual!

Camera Phone

I recently got an iphone, and this is a collage composed of the pictures my best friend Mary and I took the day I got it...

Camera

This picture was taken in a desperate attempt to fulfill the prompt... and I ended up loving it. It's of my Nikon D3000, also known as my baby. Love love love this camera :)

Shoes

This shot is from the photoshoot I did with Zoe and Carlton last week. I love the focus of her cute little tennis shoes and her smiling in the back. Such a sweet little girl.

Imperfect

I don't know why but this is what I thought of with imperfect. My need for growth and my complete brokenness without Christ has been becoming very noticeable for me lately... and this shot sums up my insecurities and doubts. It's not a great shot... but I think that makes it even more imperfect.

Chair

This is an older picture, but I love it. Thought of it immediately when hearing the prompt "chair."

That's all I got for this week, looking forward to next Sunday and shooting for it~

Coleton and Zoe Shoot

2011-03-14T09:31:00.001-07:00

I got the opportunity to do a photo-shoot of some absolutely adorable children this past Saturday. With some help and editing tips from someone rather amazing these have turned out to be some of my best shots- (I say in a completely humble way). I'm excited how I'm progressing with my camera work... I have so much to learn, but I am absolutely loving the lessons and practicing.

Here's a sneak peak of some of the shoot:

*Favorite Shot*

*I love this collage of some of the shots of them together*

I thought it was pretty successful. The kids were fun to work with and it was a great time. Kristine has such beautiful little ones!!

I heart faces :)

2011-02-28T14:29:00.000-08:00

This weeks "I heart faces" is "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes"

This is my favorite pair of converse. I just love this shot! Thought it fit the theme well too! Thanks to the friend who showed me to this weeks challenge!

Scavenger Hunt Sunday- # 2

2011-02-27T11:23:00.000-08:00

Giving Scavenger Hunt Sunday a try... Sorry I'm posting this so late- had a busy day!!

Capture the Sky: This was shot in the water of a little creek I found...

I didn't expect it to turn out any good but I absolutely love it!

Everyday: A figured the perfect everyday shot would be of my converse.

A pair of these is my everyday kinda shoe. They're my favorite. Especially my red ones.

Furry: My scruffy little dig Dexter was perfect for this. Such a cute little guy. :

Life: I decided for life giving my (current) life verse would be best.

You should read it.

All the time. I know I do.

2 Corinthians 6:3-10

Blurry- I love this picture immensely. I love the blurriness of it

(hence the theme)and the simplicity and childlike sense it gives.

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

2011-02-20T12:04:00.000-08:00

This is my first week doing Scavenger Hunt Sunday... I'm excited to keep this going!

Chocolate

This one was a left over piece of Valentines day candy a friend gave me... I love the way the pink strawberry filling is showing... I was also kind of sad I couldn't eat it after I dropped it repeatedly throughout my dorm trying to find how and where to shoot it...

Music

I'm enamored with this shot. I asked my friend Sarah to help me with this one, and immediately she realized it was a worship song playing her face took on this peaceful look. I just love it.

Numbers

I took this one as I was playing a board game with some friends... they may have gotten a little frustrated as I used the dice as they were needing them... the 7 was their idea at least.

Stack

This one is of the books and notebooks I hauled to the study room in attempts to catch up on all of my classwork. My fatal mistake was bringing my camera along with me. It tends to distract me from my studies at times...

*NOTE* I couldn't find anything to shoot for canned foods. Hopefully I can get them all next week!

Socio Saturday

2011-02-19T11:46:00.001-08:00

My sister GK has given me a challenge to capture one person I don't know with my camera... It all started with me taking a picture of a girl at a bus stop... and it being good. That's this weeks picture and so Socio-Saturdays begin...

This girl was at the bus stop... her sparkley sweater dress intrigued me.

Black & White Wednesdays- Converse Love

2011-02-16T20:51:00.000-08:00

This weeks two Black&WhiteWednesday shots are from a day wandering with my camera around campus. While waiting for friends taking pictures of my shoes was clearly the best way to entertain myself...

I loved the rustic worn look of these shoes...

This one is probably is cheating, as I left the red. But- eh. Ilikeit :)

Pictures, meds and easy A's.

2011-02-09T09:06:00.000-08:00

Thinks are going pretty well here at school... the weather in Boone has been absolutely gorgeous most days. I've found it's much easier to play with my camera capturing the beauty of the outdoors rather than read my ridiculous English books... but it's all about priorities I suppose, and shots like this are definitely high on my priority list.

I can't tell you how much I love taking the time to run around and take pictures... I'm gonna need an external hard drive to make space for all the pictures on my computer. I'm just loving it. The one above was take from the porch of my dorm- I was walking back from class and saw those clouds and ran up to my room for my camera. I might just start keeping it in my book-bag all the time so I don't miss out in moments like that...

Unfortunately I am battling the flu which is totally not working with my need to be in class. I am taking 18 hours and just don't have the time for this right now. Health services gave me some cough medicine to make me sleep at night... and cough medicine is just not my thing. I thought being a big 19 year old I would suddenly be OK with taking medicine, and other grown up things. Now... instead of hiding my face to avoid taking it I get out my camera and take pictures for half an hour...

I eventually took the spoonful... but taking pictures of it was way more enjoyable. I'm getting better... sleeping way too much and had to miss a night of work which I hate, but I suppose they don't want me to infect all of Appalachian via delicious Chick-fil-a.

Also- I just want to share this with you. I take a class that lasts 2 1/2 hours on Wednesday nights. It's my first class in Social Work and I love it. I forgot to do the reading before one class and with my luck the teacher Daniel Platt (I'm reminded to read "Radical' every time I step in there) gave us a quiz. I filled it out as best I could not knowing any answers... dreading getting it back. Now- this week He hands it back out with a beautiful 100 written and circled in red ink on top. I'm taking that as my sign I'm meant for social work- might be pushing it but... eh. :)

Black & White Wednesdays Round 3: (A little Late)

2011-02-04T20:26:00.000-08:00

This weeks Black&White Wednesday (read Friday) was something I took during an absolutely gorgeous day last week. Some friends and I decided to take a trip off to the parkway and the views were gorgeous... Seeing this picture in black and white made the harshness and brittleness of the trees really stand out. I would even go to say that this picture represents my faith a little bit...

I'm those harsh roots and trees. Ugly and broken and hurtful. But they frame up that beautiful light shining down, and only because of that Light silhouetting them are they beautiful. Only because of that Light do you notice them. Yet- even with them being important the Light is what matters... and that Light- it's coming in from all angles to light up those trees- to make them beautiful....

Maybe it's an overly extended metaphor... but it's what I think when I see this.

I played around with adding some color to it as well... and the orange of this was my favorite... looks like a sunrise to me. I just really liked how it changed it.

Input is very much appreciated my friends.

I heart faces :)

2011-01-31T07:51:00.000-08:00

Entering the

Go here to vote for me please!! I'm number 331!Thanks!!! :D

Just Some Pictures to Share :)

2011-01-28T16:16:00.000-08:00

Oh Chick-Fil-A

2011-01-27T14:35:00.000-08:00

For those of you who are not aware I have started working at the Chic-Fil-A here on campus. I only work a few nights a week till closing, but it is certainly an experience. It definitely has not been shy of interesting experiences. Let me share a few stories with you.

One of my first nights it was decided I should work and close the front line completely by myself. I mean surely its a good plan to put the newest person on staff to work on her own for 3 and 1//2 hours, right? I made it through the night fine, mastering some fry cooking and nugget boxing... However at the end of the night I had to clean out the fryers. I had done this once or twice being coached through, but tonight it was all up to me. So, I drain it. Attach the hose. Set the hose down. Turn the pump on- and the hose I just set down shoots hot grease all down the wall and just cleaned and polished fryers... if that weren't enough I reach to grab it and miss the wooden handle grabbing directly on the hot metal pipe... then finally think to turn the pump off. No one saw... the walls were cleaned and scrubbed... and my hand was a little seared... but all in all... a dumb move.

Next, I was asked to clean dishes all night when I worked the kitchen. At some point some trays were set down and hit the knob for the faucet which slowly filled the trays to the max with water, and began spilling on the floor...a guy in the kitchen pointed it out so I run over, and try to turn off the water... and hit the tray spilling them all down my front... Let's just say it was a very cold walk home that night.

There are several more tidbits I could share with you about my exciting nights spent working la Chickfila... but for now I leave you with a song that is stuck in my head every night as I close up the cafeteria and get harassed by the coworkers- did I tell you I'm the only girl working closing? I present to you...

Black & White Wednesdays Round 2:

2011-01-26T15:07:00.001-08:00

Last week I started in on this challenge...

I took this picture today galavanting around campus with some of my friends... I made them walk with me while I took way too many pictures in the class cancelling blizzard we're getting right now. It's of Andrew's boot. Later I was playing around in Microsoft Digital Image and REALLY liked the effect this gave it. It's much more intense than Andrew is- but I like it anyway.

I'm kinda proud of it too be honest... in a completely humble beginner and rather un-knowledgeable photographer way. :)

But... ya know. Feedback please my friends.

2011-01-23T09:08:00.001-08:00

I woke up late for church this morning... which really frustrated me. I was really excited to go back to "The Heart." It's what I get for staying up late I suppose. Instead, I settled in my lounge with Beth Moore's talk from Passion... just to keep me in the mindset of renewing my mind. Can I just tell you... that's TOUGH? Really tough. I mean.... I'm not looking for sympathy here it's just harder than I imagined. When I was back home it was easy to focus on Him. Make sure I was reading. etc. Here- I have all my college friends around... the conversations go bad quickly, the nights get late meaning I don't wake up to be in the Word. It's just much more of a challenge here. But I am determined- to know His will my mind must be renewed. And if anyone can give me the strength to make that happen He certainly can. I'm reading through Galatians and starting memorizing the first book of Philippians. I don't put that up here to brag- I just know that putting that out in the open means you guys will start asking me how its coming. By reading this post you just became part of my accountability. ;) Thanks for that. Please just toss up some prayers for focus and encouragement and know you're always in my thoughts and prayers here.

Love :)

Black & White Wednesdays

2011-01-19T20:33:00.000-08:00

I've been following a few photography blogs that partake in "Black and White Wednesdays." Such as this one and this one so after much consideration I've decided to join in on the weekly event. My main reasoning is this will help encourage me to use my camera more often up at school. It's easy for me to allow it to lie dormant in the rush of things, and I really am happiest when I'm behind the lens. Also- I want to keep me playing around with black and whites- I'm slowly falling in love with them.

Today's picture if of my friend Crystal. We discovered that her height keeps her level with the vents in our dorm and its easy to play model...

This one just seemed to capture her to me. It's not the best picture in the world- but hey! I'm learning here! I love her expression, and the wildness of her hair.

Alright- done being a nerd now. Here's hoping I keep up with this...

Things I Shouldn't Do In Public...

2011-01-17T16:15:00.000-08:00

My ability to embarrass myself really has come to a point of amazement. I mean honestly people- it's a sincere talent. I may be an excessive people person, but first impressions are rather nerve wracking to me. If I can make it through those first few moments of introduction and first glances I might actually have a chance for a new friendship... First impressions have just always been a little intimidating...if I'm completely by myself. I may seem confident most of the time but today wasn't one of those days.

I take the bus to and from school sometimes- it's what I get for picking a school two hours away I suppose. I made it to the bus stop today, ready to head back up to App and really get in the swing of things. As I was standing in line to board the bus and I had a feeling that one of those moments was coming... where I strongly embarrass myself. Oh was I right. I hand the guy my money, get my receipt and realize the way I have decided to hold my bags won't let me fit through the aisle. I try any way for the sake of just getting to a seat and get stuck. So I set a bag down, go to a nearby seat and turn around to grab the bag I left in the front.

Now- I have these new jeans. They're great, just a little big. My over conscious self thought they had fallen down and in the fear of being a drug dealer with cheap crack I reached to pull them up. Instead... I grabbed my underwear. And pull them up. Hard. Giving myself a wedgie. In front of the entire bus, who is already sitting, waiting for me to get settled so we can leave. I know my face turned red. I quickly pulled down my hoodie over my jeans and obviously showing underwear and shamefully get in my seat. Now the barricade is up, the Ipod is in and hopefully no one on here is in any of my classes.

Or maybe I'll just be App's new "wedgie girl"

Greaaat.

Renew me.

2011-01-05T18:48:00.000-08:00

I would love for this be a blog telling you every bit and piece of what Passion was this past weekend. I couldn't even begin to start that conversation. What has stuck in my head has been this...

"Do not conform any longer to the ways to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve the what God's will is- His good and pleasing and perfect will." - Acts 12: 2

Beth Moore spoke on this in her main session this weekend, and it was the first time this verse became real to me. I used to read it as, "Oh yes, Christ renews my mind! Yay... but I mean... that's metaphorical. My mind can't really change. Good one Jesus."

I never really took that phrase for what it REALLY means. But for some reason having Beth Moore say it with what seems like quotes from your own journal entries really brings it into the true light.

Tonight, I had a bit of confrontation and was getting frustrated and in my own selfish ways felt attacked. I walked away from the moment and as soon as I was out of earshot heard myself ranting angrily in a string of angry spiteful words. And it slapped me in the face. Here I was- just home from a weekend fully immersed in His presence, literally just out of a service that I used my voice and mind to praise Him, and moments later I'm spiteful and angry and hurtful and frustrated. I so desperately need Christ to renew my mind. Maybe if I can fully and faithfully believe that that verse is true, my mind can be renewed then I won't be so damagingly hurtful to my siblings. So spiteful to my parents. So quick to claim and scream out over-analyzed injustice towards myself. Maybe I wouldn't walk around in this state of mind that everyone owes me something. That I am so much better and so much more in need than others all at the same time. If I'm renewed I pray I won't use the same mouth to sing his praises and string out curses to the one's who get in the way of my plans. I pray I can one day sit in a worship service and not listen to my own voice hoping I'm heard and someone compliments me or lets me lead the songs. Or sit in a group and not love the sound of my own voice so much I dominate the conversation .Maybe He could patch up this selfish self seeking heart. Let me be in a friendship where I don't abuse the relationship. Let me have only pure thoughts. Not lie, cheat, hurt, steal, doubt, instigate, gossip, self seek, break, kill.

I have so greatly let my mind be intoxicated by so much negativity. I am hurtful and spiteful and selfish selfish selfish. For one who claims who to be so hurt by self esteem issues I am the most self obsessed, ego maniac I have met.

God, Abba, Savior, Maker,

Please. Break me. I have been doing this out of a selfish heart for far too long. I have ruined so many relationships, broken so much trust, let jealousy and envy tear relationships apart. I am so dirty and stained God. I still have parts of me that don't want to let you have control. That don't want to surrender. I am held captive by my own stupid habits and personal demands. Break me. Rip me apart. Take away all of my desires and dreams. Strip me down to nothing and build me back up to everything You are. Nothing within me shouts of your Holiness- all the malice You told us to be rid of I have built myself on. Leave me naked and without. Destroy me. You created me. Psalm 139 tells of how You created me fearfully wonderfully- so break Your creation and build it back up. Fill me up instead with humility, and patience, quiet me. Take away my burning desire to be right and have the last word. Patch me back together with the love and faithfulness only You can offer. Get rid of every self seeking desire. I don't want attention, or pity. I want no words from anyone. I only want Your still small voice coaching me through the rebuilding of this daughter. Now I'm a daughter of the world. Rooted in its hatred and disgraceful passions. Build me up to a daughter of you. I don't deserve all You have promised me. I feel so much disgrace at how I thank You for Your grace. "I'm addicted, I'm needy, I'm lost without you." I am begging. You've brought me to my knees in anguish. Break me. Heal me. Fix me. Rebuild me. Save me.

Renew me. Please.

Christmas (=

2010-12-27T12:31:00.001-08:00

This years Christmas was absolutely wonderful. All the family was here, including the Grandma (who some how upped her game and was at her WORST this visit). The time together was great... we have all learned how to laugh off my grandmothers psychotic-ness... that makes it manageable.

It was just a great 2 days... I by some miracle, and graciousness from my parents got the camera I have been dreaming of for several months now. I spent the last few days running around taking pictures and playing with it as much as I could...

I got a few worth keeping. :)

And I got some footie pajamas too.

First Semester DONE

2010-12-11T17:16:00.000-08:00

I have officially made it my friends. My FIRST semester of college is DONE! I cant believe I'm actually going home for a MONTH!! It's really something I need... I have one more exam- online so it doesn't really count in my opinion. I'm so ready For this month I get to be home. A month without any tests or papers or studying... just time off with my Family and Friends. Don't get me wrong-I love it here. More than I can explain. It's just been so long since I've been home for a length of time. I miss Thomasville. There's just something about there... it makes me so happy.

Today was our very last game for this season... I can definitely say I'm doing marching band again I loved it so much-I cant imagine Starting this year without it. The Friends I made through that... the places I went, the music I played. It was amazing. Today- the game was ending and Dr. Tobias got up to conduct the Tennessee waltz... my college BFF Brad turned to me and jokingly said "you gonna cry!" And he was so right. Listening to that song and miraculously being in the band playing it... I Still cant thank God enough that I 'm here

-That I live on this campus...

That I play in this band...

That I play in this snow...

That I've made these friends...

And that I kept these ones.

I'm coming home soon and now I feel at home both here and there.

2010-11-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

I want so much to be his fragrant offering up here. I'm learning so quickly that it's not enough to just be set apart. It's not enough to be different from the norm. That is merely the beginning. That is merely setting my reputation. I am finally in a place where no one knows me based on my sisters or my parents. The one's who usually set the mark before me have not tread here in the way I am. I have made a point to let my faith be the main thing I am known for. I am known for it. I am respected for it. But that's not enough. I thought I was plenty happy with knowing I won't involve myself in certain things. Knowing that I choose to set myself to a higher standard...

but also knowing that I am no better with them.

The main conversation I have had with many people lately is that their beef with Christianity comes from Christians- not with Christ. How we are all egotistical prudes using the fact we choose to set ourselves apart to cut ourselves off from the world and put ourselves up on a pedestal. I have talked with people who the first thing they judge a Christian off of is how fake they appear.

I have made my daily goal up here to not be about JUST being set apart. I can say that I'm "set apart", but my version of set apart a few months ago was being a religious snob lost in my own values and treasured beliefs, too concerned with my own well being care about those around me. I knew all of the answers and responses and nearly choked on my cliche skin deep responses to any question regarding my faith. Most of the friends I have up here are not believers. As I consistently hang out with them I can hear the old warnings I myself used to throw out of "be careful!! They're gonna bring you down!" And you wanna know what- they can. Most certainly. But I trust that I serve a God who is going to give me the strength to sit with the unwanted or rebellious and not come home a lost hopeless case. They're not hopeless- and they won't lead me to be. How on earth am I supposed to show anything to them if I'm not personally involved with them? If I'm not sitting and laughing with them, or talking to them when they're enraged or heartbroken? I am really bothered by who I was a few months ago. I was in this weird sleep where I thought I was doing it all right. But I was unapproachable and unloving. Now- I'd rather sit with the sinners and hear their stories and be a real life example that He loves and He Saves.

The other day I was walking back to my dorm with my closest friend here Brad. We were talking like we always do, and the conversation turned to religion again. Brad is not a Christian. He is one of the many I have met who have been so scarred and hurt by the church and believers that he doesn't know what to do with it. As we talked he kept saying how he was just such a heathen and so screwed up he didn't have a shot. And how I was better than him. And that bothers me. I told him, "Brad- I promise... I'm no better then you. I have the same junk to carry around in my hands, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. Just like you. Just because I am a Christian, and carry this bible around in my book bag and choose not to do somethings does not make me any better."

He looked at me and laughed and says "tell that to the rest of you."

So. I'm telling the rest of you. Please. For the sake of the lost and the hurting and the angry, broken, confused, scarred, forsaken, and insane. Whether their potheads, alcoholics, homosexuals. Whether they swear or drink or just don't care. Quit living like your better. Like you have it all figured out. Share in their brokenness and you can still lay in your bed assured at night that you are saved. They need to see we are real people. I'm realizing the main time people forsake their faith is when they go to college. They're not under their parents control any longer and they can decide for themselves what they need and don't need. I hate that the idea they don't need Christ has been presented to them. So, show them that you are human. You hurt. You struggle. You slip up. You mess up (and will admit it). But- you have someone one who helps you endure through that.

We receive comfort from Christ, correct? Do you think that comfort is supposed to be hoarded away for ourselves? If you do then flip to 2 Corinthians and do some reading.

"...The God of comfort who comforts us in our troubles so that we may comfort those in any troubles with the same comfort we ourselves have received from Christ..."

Comfort someone. Get out of your Jesus bubble and love someone. Get in their territory. Eat with them. Talk with them. Know them, not just their name. There are so many out searching for the answer... and we have it to give to them.

But, they're not going to hear us out if we don't know them personally.

They need to be shown they exist to us.

Then we can show they exist to Him.

That's all my thoughts for now.

This ongoing conversation...

2010-11-04T18:57:00.000-07:00

I have been having this ongoing conversation with God for sometime now. I was at such a loss for words as to where He wanted me to pursue my education... so many choices, decisions, all seeming unanswered. I knew Appalachian was right. I still believe that. But as to where to set my major- I really didn't know. Recently- He has very obviously brought light to where He wants me. The change and is surprising... but to me, it make me wonder why it has taken me this long to see it.

For those of you who know me, my hope has always been teaching. Being a teacher was just where I could see myself. I had it all planned out- the Teaching Fellows Scholarship seemed a grand thing, and I was on my way to being an elementary teacher. Seems perfect, right?

Then as high school progressed I fell more and more in love with music. Drum major, and being section leader and other things just made me love it. I still love the feel of my saxophone under my fingers, mastering the next skill or exercise. I literally thrive off of the challenge and passion of it. I'm in multiple ensembles at school and I never tire of spending hours in the practice room learning things just because I can.

These two things being such a priority led me to Appalachian. Both the music department and the elementary ed. department are known for being superior. App was perfect for whichever of these majors I ended up pursuing. Even going I had no idea which it would be, I just knew it was one of them. They were both something I thought I could be passionate with. So, I decided I would wait around, being involved in both until the path was revealed.

Now, understand something. There was a lot of frustration in my waiting around for an answer. I was not getting a clear response no matter how or when I asked. Before App two significant things happened that should have cleared things up for me with this.

1) I did not get into the music school with my first audition last February. I remember being so heart broken leaving App knowing I wasn't in. Upon being here, I still don't understand why I didn't get in. Both students in the saxophone studio and the saxophone professor himself have told me I should be in the music school. Dr. K is actually awaiting my audition to come soon.

2) I did not get the teaching fellows scholarship to Appalachian. I knew App was where God wanted me, and that scholarship would have been the forefront way to receive the best possible education degree. I was so angry the night I got that letter, but yet had no shame in turning down to the 10 other schools that came around offering it.

Both of these events should have shown me something. Instead, I viewed it as a mere stumbling block in my way of getting an education degree of some sort- be it elementary or music. I was determined. So- I spent the last several months praying and praying for direction.

If someone had listened to my prayers they would have overheard something like this...

ME: "OK, God... it's me again. I'm just really looking for where you want me to go. Music or elementary education? I want to be in Your will for this God, but I'm just not seeing a sign for this one anywhere. It seems pretty quiet up there... I'm not saying You're un-sovereign and I don't want to rush you or anything... but I need to know soon or neither is going to happen. I'm listening God- just tell me"

*Promptly closes eyes and ears*

GOD: Obviously reveals answer

ME: God, please... I just want to know where I need to go. All I'm asking for is a little clue. A tip. Just give me a little something... and.. and.. I'll wake up at 5am and spend 3 hours in the Word before class. Just tell me something!!!

GOD: Obviously reveals answer in numerous ways

ME: REALLY GOD? For serious? You can't just let me know? Music or Elem? Do you want me to like flip a coin or something? How about... You put a number behind Your back and... if it's odd I do music, and even it's elementary...? C'mon!!! JUST GIVE ME SOMETHING!?

At this point I would give up and walk away... lost in my frustration.

Then- I was in the car with some friends, discussing majors. One of my good friends Kim was discussing how she was a Social major but did not know where to take it. She knew she could not work with kids in social work as she did not have the strength of heart for it. For some reason this stuck with me.

All of my thoughts lately have been flashing back to Piedmont Park. The time I spent with those kids was the most fulfilling thing I have ever been a part of.

Then I think of the Beavers and the way they let me be personally involved of the journey through fostering and adoption.

Or the Hudlers who's journey with it is really only just beginning

And the Bowers letting our entire Sunday School class be so emotionally involved with bringing Sonia into their lives.

I have been a part of the direct changing of children's lives in numerous ways throughout the last few years.

So why haven't I gotten it? How have I missed that that's where my heart is going? Music is a passion, and teaching I thought was the only way I can work with kids- and neither of them brings me peace like this.

So- I am officially a social major at Appalachian. With the intent of becoming a social worker in some sense of the matter. I don't know if it will be US based or with international adoption- that's still a matter He has not revealed to me.

All I know is the idea of getting to change children's lives and get them out of the situations they are forced to live in is a beautiful idea to me. It will take a lot of trusting and strength to be prepared for the ugliness this job will impose. But- I can handle seeing it if it means getting a child out.

I have not felt such peace in a while. And the idea of this is so incredibly exciting and fulfilling to me. He finally answered, or at least I finally heard.

Olivia and Natalie Shoot

2010-11-01T11:22:00.000-07:00

Had a reasonably successful shoot with the two little girls last friday... verified my strong desire to save up for a camera- but my mom's worked WONDERFULLY. :)

These two girls we're sweet- but not too happy to be awoken from their naps.... they warmed up pretty quick....

These two collages were too cute to not share. :)

2010-10-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

I don't have so much to update everyone on. Things are staying busy at school- only 7 more classes until I'm free for Fall Break. Those few days off are going to be such a gift- definitely looking forward to it.

I've been having some intriguing conversations with people I've met here. I have learned it is literally IMPOSSIBLE for my Faith to NOT come up during the day. My friend Mallory has "christened" me "Madam Jesus." A nickname I honestly don't mind. The majority of people I hang out with are not believers. Which poses an interesting position for me. I have at least one conversation a day with someone- and I'm learning to love them so much now. I used to want to throw up at the idea of sharing my faith... now I'm learning it's something that if I'm growing will continuously be apart of my day. I just continue to pray He gives me both the words to say and the motivation to live correctly in Him.

On Friday I am doing a photo shoot for someone. Yay for random connections and name sharing through my mother's job! It's of a little 7 month old girl in a pumpkin patch- I am SO excited for it. I've missed taking pictures for a purpose- it's my "artistic outlet" or something like that. I'll definitely be sharing how some of them turn out. This'll be the first time I do a shoot with only me backing it up. It used to be I had Matty B. telling me what to do (senior project) or tagged along with my Mom and took over the camera for a bit- I'm excited and nervous to see how it turns out. So wish me luck my friends!

Saturday is a day I have been looking forward to for a year.... APPALACHIAN BEST FRIEND WEEKEND. We have the App Competition all day Saturday so EAST will be here. Meaning by BFF's are at my college. We've worked it out for me to kidnap them and stay the weekend with me. I cannot explain how much I need to see them- especially Mary- but I didn't say that. ;)

I am in desperate need of some best friend time- and having them at my school on the weekend we'll pretty much have the campus to ourselves (other than the other 290 Band members); it's exactly what I need. Saturday cannot come fast enough my friends. Not fast enough.

I should be home next around Thanksgiving. Which is far off- but I'm still pretty excited to be home then. It'll be my first time with the whole family since I headed to school- I really can't wait.

In all- I'm doing well. Staying busy. Still loving Jesus. All of those important things. :)

Impromptu Parkway Trip

2010-10-11T10:01:00.000-07:00

Some of my favorite things my friends and I here do are our impromptu plans. Like 1am cookout runs or last Friday's impromptu parkway trip. I'm mainly doing this post because I'm proud of how some of the pictures turned out- Oh how I want an SLR camera. :)

So pretty. This lake is my favorite spot on the parkway so far.

This picture pretty much sums up Brad.

Convincing Caroline to come out in the water. :)

Brad wanted a photoshoot- or just a new face book picture

Brad and I are good rock throwers.

And dancers apparently...

LOVE this picture of them :)

I can't decide if I like the color or black and white.

Oh Bradley. He's ridiculous.

This picture was too ridiculous of a fail to not post it... so. funny. :)

Caroline looks out for me- I appreciate her :)

(but don't worry Mary- she is far from my best friend!!)

I Don't Know What I'd Do With It...

2010-09-29T06:29:00.000-07:00

I am having issues with the church as a whole right now. I am not referencing the building- but the biblical definition of the church- the believers.

I have a friend here who I find pretty amazing. Andrew and I talk about a lot of things- and yesterday we really started talking about his faith. The first thing Andrew said to me regarding this was awhile back when we first met. I asked if he was a Christian and his response was

"Not right now- it didn't do anything for me."

That response really seemed that he hadn't given up- it was just more of an apathy thing. So- I have been praying for chances to talk to him as well as be an example.....

Last night we really talked. And my heart broke a little bit.

He went to church up until about 11th grade when he figured out he really didn't need to anymore. His church was small and had mostly all older people and a few youth and kids. Very traditional baptist church. There was petty drama, and useless issued were discussed- he spoke very little about what the church did as a group of BELIEVERS. They seemed more like a bunch of people who gathered together to eat and bicker.

We continued and at some point I plainly stated

"I don't know what I would do without my Faith."

To which he said...

"I don't know what I would do with it."

I don't understand. How can someone who went to church for 17 years be so lost? Why isn't the church reaching out to him and all the other youth who just didn't get it? Why did they force him to be baptized and lead hypocritical lives that dictated his opinion of Christians?

My heart breaks for him- because the Jesus he was shown is not the Jesus I love.

He saw a God who cared only about your money and how many times you we're at church a week. A God who was only spiteful and condescending.

My God is a just, loving, and comforting God. He is above all. He IS love. He IS peace. He IS compassion.

My God reaches out to the broken and hurting and lost. My God notices when someone falls away, and pursues them endlessly. My God loves him. My God wants him.

I just need to know how to show him that...

Thank You

2010-09-17T08:59:00.000-07:00

I've mentioned this before, but coming to school I was terrified of losing relationships back home. For some reason I thought I would just lose contact with everyone and things would die off. It was a legitimate fear for me. However- I have been so incredibly blessed by everyone back home since I came to school. I hope you all know how much I love you all and miss you. Thank you for reaching out to me and making me feel loved even though there is distance between us. Thank you for making me smile and laugh with your texts and letters. Thank you for choosing to still be involved in my life when it would be easier to let our relationship fade away... You make being here so much easier.

Thank you:

Mom- For sending me tender letters and talking to me on the phone every time I call you, even when it gets excessive. Thank you for encouraging me, and having peace about me being here despite others before. Thank you for just having the faith that I can do this, and for trusting me to be here. I miss you more than words can explain. I look forward to when you can come up to visit again-having you and daddy up here supporting me was one of my favorite things. You take care of me so incredibly much, and I could never thank you enough. I love yo so very very much Mom. :)

Daddy- Thank you sending me silly Kenny G text messages and answering my ridiculous government questions, and being able to give me directions home even while you're in another state. I hate I couldn't come home while you were visiting, but at least you got to come here. Miss you so very much.

Seth- Thank you for the pictures of Specter and the texts to check up on your little sister. I appreciate it more than you know brother.

Anne- Thank you for sending me movie quotes and loving me even when I ditch out on our plans. "I love your hair... oh I love the... AIR. ha..ha.." :] We will skype soon, I assure you.

GK- Thanks for giving me all the good advice on college life and taking my stressed out texting and Skype conversations. Thanks for trying to become an expert twitter-er. You'll be as cool as me one day. Maybe.

Mary Edminson- Thank you for being the most amazing friend. For calling me throughout the week, and texting me updates about everything EDHS related. Thank you for hearing me out in all of my struggles, and sending me encouraging verses. Thank for challenging me in my faith and being so involved in what I have going on here. Thank you for sharing your life back home with me and listening to me when I think I know what I'm talking about. Thank you for holding me accountable and for making me laugh as much as you do. I miss you.

Bailey B- Thank you for the countless cards (I'm soooo gonna win) and for just how much you love me. I really don't deserve it. Thank you for looking up to me, even when I'm not the best example and being someone I strive to be a positive role model for. Thank you for making me smile and laugh, and for reminding me of things back home. I still feel so very much a part of your family even from here. I love you like a little sister- and I would do anything for you.

The Beavers- Luke, Jess, Bizzy, Lucas, Ashee, Aaron, Olivia, and Ella- Thank you for the texts and phone calls and pictures and visits. Thank you for keeping a check on me and for loving me so much. Thank you for making me feel still very much a part of your lives and making feel like the coolest college kid ever. You kids make me feel like a rockstar. Luke- thanks for the pen addictions, and Jess thanks for making me laugh out loud in my lecture classes. My professor totally wouldn't mind us skyping. :) I miss and love all 8 of you ( and brinkley too!) I look forward to a chance to babysit and coffee competitions (You can still win Luke!) and peanut m&ms.

Jacob Alexander Riggs- Thank you for being an amazing friend. For still making time to call me a few times every week, for our numerous theological conversations. For calling me out and challenging me. Thank you for the daily verses and for letting me know you care. Thank you for making time for me in your life and for being so excited when I come home. Thank you for the texts, and for how much you are growing and how blatantly you love your Savior. You have inspired me so much in my walk.

Emily Bowers- thank you for sending me text messages so often- makes me feel like our class is still together. Thank you for the pictures of your kids and for the prayers you so fervently pray for all of us. We can feel them- I promise. Thank you for your accountability and for letting me be a part of your kids lives. I don't deserve how much you love me. Thank you for the book we got and for the precious things you wrote in it. I can't explain how much I love you and your entire family.

Macie Hudler- Thank you for being the sweetest little girl I know. I love your letters and sweet gifts and all the times we text and skype. Thank you for forgiving me for coming home when you weren't there and thank you for making me feel like a super hero. You are very dear to my heart- the picture of us in my room is looked at more than you know. I miss you so incredibly much sweet heart.

Matt Bryant- thank you for comically checking in on me, for taking my texts and phone calls, for answering my long and attempted theological emails, and for recommending books for me to read. I miss chats in your office and drinking your coffee.

Sonia Bowers- thank you for talking to my picture every night. Hearing that warmed my heart. :)

Catie Bowers- Thank you for being an amazing best friend and for sending me texts that make me laugh out loud. Thank you for making Mary have such an amazing birthday and for involving me in all of that. Thank you for praying for me and for being such an encouragement to me in my struggles. You lift me up in away you don't even know.

Becca Sorge- Thank you for loving me and for choosing to be my friend despite past things. Thank you for being so real with me and for talking to me about everything. Thank you for growing so dramatically in your faith.Christ shines out of you now... its amazing to see. Thank you for not giving up on me when I'm a terrible friend, and for caring about me. I just love you.

Riggs Family- thank you for loving me and making me feel so treasured. The times you call me and facebook me just to check in on me make me smile. I love feeling so cared for.

Cathy & Jeff Hudler- Thank you so much for just loving me. :) You guys are tender. Jeff- thank you for calling me just to see how I'm doing, and reminding me that I am missed. I don't deserve friends like you guys. You're so sweet to me and my entire family and i hope you know how much we really appreciate it.

Jesse Wilson- Thank you for caring about me so much. I love that you and I talk more, and you know just how to make me feel appreciated and loved. You know me well enough to know when I'm upset or just need someone to talk to. I am so amazed by everything God is doing in and through you right now sir. You have grown and changed so incredibly much over this past year or so. Keep going, keep growing, and keep being amazing.

Gaylin- Thank you for sending me information for all the people I can connect to up here. It's such a comfort to have all these people I can go to, and if you had not given me the information things would get pretty lonely up here. Thanks for looking out for me.

Brittany Bryant- Thanks for encouraging me and caring so much about the state of my heart. You kinda make me smile. Thanks for caring so much, and for being such a strong example to me. Love you.

Caleb Evington- Thank you for being my biggest fan. You have encouraged me more than anyone since I've been here. I am so proud of how much growth you have had, and I really just love you. I was so glad to see you last weekend, and sing "How He Loves" with you at The Heart. It reminded me so much of D*Weekend and how that started everything for all of us.

Kyndal and T.J.- Thank you for my letters and pictures. The signs are up in my dorm room and I look at them and think of you every day. You girls add some more sunshine to my life. :]

Kim Hearn- Thank you for being just such a blessing. Every time my phone lights up with a text from you I just smile. I miss you so very very much! Thanks for all of the prayers and thoughts, and for looking out for me and holding me accountable- I appreciate and need it more than you know.

Casey Hearn- Thank you for sending out those texts to the Sunday school every week. I feel so encouraged and still so apart of the class even though I cannot be there often. I am so encouraged just getting that slight idea of what you guys were talking about. I pray for our class so much- and I love how it is growing. Thank you sir.

Jesse Teetor- Thank you for just making me smile. Our skype conversations and texting, and the silly antics from them that keep me laughing. I miss talking and we must do lunch when I'm home sometime. Miss you and love you dear!

There are about a million more people I could thank, and there will be another one of these in the near future. If I left you off you'll make the next one- I promise. You all bless me so much more than I can fit into one blog. Thank you for making me feel so apart of the community I left back home. I love you all and miss you so very much. Thank you again and again for reaching out to me.

Wait- no one told me there was HOMEWORK in college...

2010-09-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

I'm getting my first real taste of the educational side of college.... I guess I never FULLY thought about how much work I would have... particularly as I have now gotten a 20 hour a week schedule of classes. Oh yea. I might lose my mind come exam time.

So now I sit in the library this to do list staring me in the face. Hello. College.

12 Months Ago

2010-09-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

12 months ago, my friends and I joked about me going to App as we walked around the campus for a competition.

12 months ago I was sitting in a stadium, snow falling down, my entire family to my left and my two best friends huddled next to me on my right.

12 months ago I had just marched off the field at a competition and was so excited at what an amazing job we had done.

12 months ago, I sat and listened to a band play the Tennessee Waltz and cried my eyes out.

12 moths ago I prayed and prayed, begging God to let me go to school there.

12 months ago being here was a far off and slightly impossible dream.

Now- I'm sitting in a geography class at Appalachian State University.

Now- I sit in that stadium weekly amongst new found friends.

Now- I marched onto that field in front of 27,000 people.

Now- I knelt in front of a huge crowd, my parents watching, and played the Tennessee Waltz

amazed at the opportunity.

Now- I pray thanking God for getting me here, and allowing me to feel such peace and feel so at home.

Now- I am here... and it still feels like a dream. And a completely answered prayer.

The Band this past Saturday playing "The Tennessee Waltz"

Just listen- maybe you'll understand why I love it so very much.

He is Jealous for me

2010-09-13T06:10:00.000-07:00

The last few days have been a little rough emotionally for me. I've had a few things going on that we're hurting my heart significantly... and I was doing everything but looking to Him for comfort. I felt betrayed and rejected and hurt... and my heart was not in the happiest of states. But- I was determined to press on.

So- Sunday morning I woke up and I went to a church called The Heart. When I got in the service the worship leader immediately asked us to clear our hearts and our minds. So- Jesus and I had a little pow wow asking Him to remove all distractions and hurts and any rising anger. Just take it all. The service was great- opened up a significant amount of things for me to study and learn this week in my own quiet time.

But by the end of the teaching, my never still heart was growing restless again. I had allowed the peace brought to me to fade away. We stood to sing and I could feel my heart growing heavy again. I wasn't distracted anymore and it was all staring me in the face again.

And then my ears tuned in to some familiar chords sweeping across the room...

He is jealous for me

Loves like a hurricane

I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight

of His wind and mercy

When all of a sudden

I am unaware

of these afflictions

Eclipsed by glory

And I realize just

how beautiful you are

And how great

Your affections are for me

Oh- How He loves us...

The comfort I felt in that moment is almost indescribable. My eyes were swimming with tears, lost in how amazing He is. He knew I needed that song in that moment. I know- my faith cannot be based off of emotion- but He took hold of everything I was feeling and held me close and whispered...

"I am jealous for you. I love you. You can't base yourself off of what anyone else is showing you... you are Mine. These afflictions will pass and I will still be here. I love everything I have made you to be. You're mine."

Jazz Band!!

2010-09-02T17:34:00.001-07:00

I have really been missing playing my saxophone outside of marching band. Don't get me wrong- I love some marching band, but it just isn't the same as playing classical or jazz or something of that sort. It just doesn't require the same type of effort or thought. It had gotten to the point where I missed it so much that while all of my friends were in evening classes I had a 3 hour practice session- I'm super cool.

All of the people I hang out with now are music majors of some sort, and they recommended I join a saxophone quartet. I emailed the saxophone professor and he told me to come in and talk to him and see if we can work something out. Now... of you remember there was a long period of time I was debating on whether or not to go for a music education major. There's just something about music and playing that hits me... However, that idea vanished when I wasn't accepted at Apps School of Music.

Anyway- I finally took the time to stop by Dr. K's office and talk about being in a quartet. He remembered me from my audition last February and we talked a little bit, trying to see if any of the quartets would work. Unfortunately, my heart sank a little bit as every single one of them was overly full or collided with my class schedule. Super sad.

I kept telling him I just really want a chance to play, anywhere he can fit me, I just want to play. He looks at me and says "Well, how do you feel about jazz band?"

"I mean I love playing it, but I'm no where near good enough to make it into one here."

He laughs that off and tells me how a person who auditioned for one of the jazz bands had to drop due to class conflicts and they needed a new saxophone player- and practices started today.

So, without auditioning or anything, I'm in jazz band. :D That's super exciting to me. I miss playing so much guys. So much. I talked to him about possibly re-auditioning for the music school come spring semester, and he gave me advice on where to take my playing too with full range scales and lent me some music to begin learning. Now all I want to do is huddle away into practice room 440 and play and play and play.

With re-auditioning, I'm going to see if just playing in a few ensembles curves my appetite for music- if not.... we'll give a music education degree one more try....

P.S.- Here's the email Dr. K sent to the director of the jazz band I'm in.... made me realize just how desperate I sounded.

"Hi Rod,

I have invited Paige Kriegel to play the Alto II book in your jazz band. She should be there today at 3:30. Paige is a freshman who really misses playing saxophone..."

-Scott

Desperate or not- I'm playing again.

3.6.5.

2010-09-02T08:19:00.000-07:00

Apparently going to college has made me a HUGE fan of blogging, so I've started this project on Face Book and decided to do a blog version as well.

It's a picture a day for 365 days- aka a year.

Please enjoy my nerdiness. :)

http://pkriegel365.blogspot.com/

A Special Visit...

2010-09-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I had a vist from some VERY special friends...

*At one point, I asked Bizzy what she had been doing while I've been away at school...

Her response just melted my heart a little bit...

"I've been wishing you'd be safe and waiting for this day."

(Insert awwwws here)

I think I'm going to need to get some boots as cute as hers...

I just love this little girl... :)

We ran and played and "hiked" and took way too many pictures...

...and made memories

I almost question their sanity in driving 2 1/2 hours with all their kids

just to come see me....

But I like to think the kids enjoyed themselves...

I know I did...

Blessed and Encouraged

2010-08-30T06:28:00.001-07:00

One of my biggest fears with coming to school was losing relationships with people back home. The idea of not getting to spend time with them, talk with them as frequently or just be there for them was not appealing. However- now that I'm here that fear is gone. The amount people from back home have reached out to me and encouraged me is simply remarkable. I feel so loved by everyone- making me miss you all the more.

There's the amazing cards my mom sends me... :)

There's the little reminders that my family misses me. (read her box)

The cards from friends and the notes from my amazing kids.

The little gifts sent by kids so I'll think of them

The things they make me that just make me smile. :)

The text messages and emails

The phone calls

The voice mails

The visits.

Thank you to all of you who have made me feel so loved and missed. You have made being away easier. I love and miss you all so very much. Thank you for everything you do!

*I had more pictures... but blogger didn't like me and wouldn't let me post anymore!!

La Dorm

2010-08-23T19:53:00.000-07:00

I promised a few people to post some pics of my dorm room.... I only did parts of mine because my roommates side kinda looks like something ate her stuff and vomited it back up. But eh- whatever. She's nice. :)

In all-- this is my room. It's small but its me :)

A-Papa-La-Chian

2010-08-22T00:38:00.000-07:00

It has been a week since I got to school, and I just gotta say... I'm in love with Appalachian. Completely in love. I have done only things related to band or with my section, so hopefully none of that changes once the academic side rolls in. I don't have a whole lot to write about... some really funny things have happened but there's so many I couldn't remember them all... :)

This is the view from Howard's Knob- the highest point on the mountains. My section took a trip there after a delicious Mexican lunch. Dos Amigos= LOVE. Its pretty breathtaking... I could have sat up there for hours just taking in the beauty and thanking God for it....

Here's some proof that all I could do was sit there... it was absolutely breathtaking. A few friends joined me after mustering the courage to climb the chain link fence and go to the furthest point out, where my converse are sticking out... the drop scary- the view so worth it. Andrew and Brad were a little scared as I scooted closer and closer to the edge... held onto my shirt at one point... just not manly enough to take it. :P

This is my section leader Lewis looking like he was about to jump... it was kind of funny... and nerve wracking.

That's (left-right) Lewis, Andrew and Jonathan- taking overly excited views of the mountains. :)

All in all-- I'm loving it here... the things I am becoming a part of and the people I have met amaze me. Now, I must get some sleep as I am intending to arise and go to church in the morning. Supposing I finally pick one from the options I have... :)

My Apologies

2010-08-20T14:14:00.001-07:00

I know I promised some people I would post pictures of my dorm and of what I know of App life so far. Unfortunately- I don't have internet in my dorm so I'm on the library computer right now. I promise it will be up in a few days. I have some pictures I really want to share with you guys of the mountains I saw today. They really just capture God's handiwork. I promise to come to the library with my laptop soon and update you all!!! My apologies!

College: Day 1

2010-08-16T21:13:00.001-07:00

So, there has certainly been a lot going on since I arrived at App. I still can't fully believe I'm here. Actually at Appalachian. I just love it. And I've only experienced the band part of it... there's so much more to come. :)

My day definitely started out interesting. We left at 7:30 and got to App around 9:30 or so. I went in with my Dad to get my key for my dorm... this is when it started getting interesting.

I'm staying in Cone- the most recently renovated dorm on campus. Nice, huh? Except one thing: It's not finished yet. So, I'm in a temporary living place (Justice Hall, no relation to "Justice League") until it's done. Which could be anytime between Wednesday... or 3 weeks from now. They really don't know. It has to pass inspection which was supposedly today.

So- anyways. I get my key and start heading over to unload at my temporary dorm. Someone comes running out after me and tells me I have to go inside, there's a problem. I run back in and.. they have me roomed with a GUY. I told them I was TOTALLY OK with this if he was cute, but they said I had to change for SOME reason. ;) So.. I wait ten minutes or so and get a NEW room. This time boy free, and COMPLETELY roommate free. Huge dorm all by my lonesome. In which I'm not unpacking because that's pointless as I'll be moving soon.

Anyway- I had practice most of the day. Was kinda shy at first, but finally talked to some people. Sat with this girl Alyssa at lunch, she's rather nice. We have a breakfast date on Thursday morning. :)

My section leaders are amazing. Super fun guys. Lewis and Travis make me smile :) My section has finally warmed up to each other through LOTS of ice breaker games and 12ish hours a day together. Ya know... all 42 of us. Lots-a saxophones here. :)

At the morning meeting I met a group of people through generic conversation and my hat and sick nasty sunglasses attracting there attention... (Grady [whom shares my love for hats], Steven, Melissa, Brad) and they pointed me out throughout all the morning and afternoon rehearsals. While I was standing in line for dinner by myself (still working on getting to know people at this point) I see Grady waving his arms at me and he mimes out asking if I have any friends. I say not yet... he looks at his group, gives a head nod, and says "You're with us." I smiled, gave a thumbs up and continued heading to get my food. I walk to find some seating and hear my name SCREAMED from across the cafeteria. There's Grady. I head over and sit in the seat directed to me. A purple high backed armed chair at the head of a long table filled with people. I was now, the "honorary freshmen" amongst all these juniors and seniors. It definitely made for an interesting dinner.

After a night practice where I embarrassed the HECK out of myself setting drill the whole time I was feeling pretty lonely. I didn't know what to do with myself, and being in my dorm alone felt pathetic. Through some "loving prodding" of a friend I called my section leader and he picked me up and we went over to his apartment and hung out with a large portion of our section. Talking and laughing, it was super amazing.

I made it back to my dorm around 12:30 or 1 feeling much more at home. Appalachian feels more and more at home every day. I really just love it here. I have met so many people, marching band is amazing, and it just feels right. I still miss you all back home more than you know... but there's just something about here that I just love.

If I had Jesus In An Itty Bitty Box...

2010-08-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

A month or so a go I heard this song...

If I had Jesus in an itty bitty box

I'd take Him out and

mwuah mwuah mwuah

And share Him with all my friends

In the moment I heard it, I laughed and shrugged it off as a cute kids song added into a skit. Comical. Tonight I was reading in my favorite book of the bible, 2 Corinthians, and on the million-th time through this verse it finally hit me-

NOTHING we have from Christ is ours to keep.

EVERYTHING

He has blessed us with is to be used for the furthering of

His kingdom and showing love to His people

2 Corinthians 1: 3-7 say...

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all Comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we may comfort those in any troubles with the same comfort we have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives,so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed it is for your comfort and salvation. If we are comforted it is for your comfort which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our

sufferings so also you share in our comfort"

For a long time, I only viewed these verses in the box sized view I have of God. (He and I have been wrestling to let Him of the box lately. He's winning.) Theses verses were an amazing comfort to me- knowing I had a relationship with The GOD of Comfort. And they still are. But now to me is it also a calling.

But- if you take a real honest look at those verses, how much of it actually focuses on WHAT He has comforted us in? Not much. No- what the point is is what we do with that comfort. "... comforts us in our troubles SO THAT WE." It is an obvious thing that God has blessed us, and I have no desire to diminish that fact. If not for His blessing the second and more focused on part wouldn't matter. I just know for me- I'm not doing the second part.

God has blessed me so incredibly much with the comfort of His love, the comfort of a loving healthy family, the comfort of financial security through my parents, the comfort of close Christian friends, the comfort of Godly role models, the comfort of a growing church home and body, and the comfort of very few REAL "sufferings" for His kingdom. And I sit back amidst all this amazing comfort, thanking Him occasionally, and never sharing it. And that's not the point of it. At all. He gave me all this "comfort" to show me a different way. To live loving others THROUGH and WITH the blessings He has given me. He didn't have to give me any of this.

Think- what if we had been born in China, where you can't meet in the name of Christ without being beaten and thrown into jail, or own a bible without being persecuted. Would I still be following Him even then? I get hurt if a passerby snickers at the bible in my hands and count that as my persecution. Walk away exclaiming "Oh Lord, I suffered for you today. That man in the khakis laughed at me."

No. I haven't. I have sat amongst all He has blessed me with and done nothing with it. I haven't reached out in love to the obviously hurting people around me. I haven't given up money or possessions to benefit those who have nothing. I haven't even taken the time to read His word and truly bless His name --Yet I can sit here and talk about my God of Comfort and do nothing with what He has given me.

What kind of life is that?

Not the one He wants for us. I can tell you that much.

Attention All Who Have Been There: COLLEGE

2010-08-11T07:25:00.000-07:00

I am turning the tables here, while some would write a post GIVING advice and tips from their own precious insight, I am requesting it...

I am winding down on time left here at home, in 4 short days I will be an official Appalachian student ( :D ). Now- college, so I have heard is a pretty interesting point in one's life... an opportunity for life to go either way. So my knowledgeable friends,lay it on me. Any do and don't, advice, story, rule, prayers or petitions. I want to learn from those who have already been there, and done it right or wrong or in the middle. Nows your moment- share your wisdom!!

New Header!

2010-08-09T13:22:00.000-07:00

so... I'm SUPER proud of this new blog header. Its so FUN!! It makes me feel like I'm good at something in life!!! :) The fact I spent three hours of my life during my self created Tim Burton Movie Marathon to make it does not show at all how well I manage my time. Right? Anyway-- I think its fun and super me!!! Wooo-hooo!!!

The Day Is Near

2010-08-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

I really cannot believe just how close August 15th is. I am such a huge mix of emotions right now. I have a post I have started detailing all the amazing things this summer was, and I cannot wait to share it with you. The numerous trips and camps were so worth it- an ultimate fulfilling experience. I really cannot wait.

I'm really struggling with the idea of leaving right now. Don't get me wrong- App is still VERY much where I want to be, and I cannot wait to get there. I mean- if I didn't want to go to App I would have just accepted the Teaching Fellows Scholarship and gone to UNCG and lived at home.

(Oh yea, didn't tell you guys did I- I turned down a $26,000 scholarship to go to App. That was fun to tell my parents!!!)

Ok back- its just the idea of leaving everyone here behind that I struggle with. I have so many people here I just love so much, and not having them as my comfort zone in Boone is just so nerve wracking to me.

I guess anyone who knows me knows without a doubt that talking is not an issue for me. I will be able to get to know people- that's just part of my personality. So I just really don't know where all this fear is coming from. I sit with only 9 days until I leave and I'm sad. A little sadness is expected of course- but I should be jumping for joy excited right now! Right? I'm going to the college I have dreamed of since 8th grade!! That's amazingly exciting and wonderful- I'm just ready for all of those emotions to catch up with me I suppose.

I know I will be taken care of and at home at school- and that being gone does not take anyway of my relationships. I can keep anyone here at home just as close as long as I intently pursue that relationship. I am not going to be replaced, and I don't have to loose relationships-- it's all up to how I handle it.

I am ready to be at school- just looking for a little emotional stability before I get there.

A huge point of this entire blog is that I really just love you guys. :) While I'm sad to leave you behind, I can't wait to see how our relationships continue as the time goes by. I know some of you won't let me disappear *cough-Jessica and Emily-cough* and I'm grateful for that. I love you all- and I'll miss you, but I know we're far from done.

Daytona Flippin' Florida

2010-07-16T18:15:00.000-07:00

We are a chosen generation

Rise up Holy Nation

God we live for you

And if our God is for us

Then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us

Then who could stand against us

**More to come**

Caswell

2010-07-10T13:21:00.000-07:00

This past week, I was a youth worker with the kids going from Rich Fork to a camp called Caswell. I thought it was funny that I was allowed to go as an "adult" to these kids. Being called Miss Paige all week was slightly comical, and being responsible for all of these kids at times was nervewracking- and I loved every single moment of it.

I told all these kids this this week- I loved those kids before this camp. There is no doubt about that. I loved them immensely- but my love for them has grown so incredibly much in the days I was there. Seeing God moving in their hearts, and seeing them serve each other all week put them in a new light....

All of them just grew closer and closer to me, and more importantly, closer to God.I would love to do something like that with kids all my life. I loved hearing their prayers and having them cry out as God broke their hearts for Him. I mean- how many 4th-6th do you know that have made a decision to be a missionary one day- we had three. Decisions to follow Christ and re commitments were made and those kids showered me with love I don't deserve.

It was such a blessing to spend the week with all of these kids. It is making me lean much more towards children's Ministry rather then Elementary school teaching. To be honest-I just want my life to be all about some kids. Just looking For God' s guidance there. Someone very wise told me this week... "Don't pray for for God's Will-It's already going to happen-pray for God to place His desire for His will in You." I just love these guys.

This next picture really just captures, this week for me... completely

Being Home

2010-07-03T09:59:00.000-07:00

I have been talking with a lot of the people who went on the Honduras trip with me, and we're all saying the same thing- "It's weird being home." And it is. Very. I am eager to see my family and friends and share the countless things God did while we were there- both in an through us- but I still haven't adjusted. I still speak in my very broken pitiful Spanglish all the time, and I relate everything back to how it was in Honduras. I was really hoping to have this dramatic change in me, where I throw away all my stuff and live in a cardboard box proclaiming Jesus everywhere I go... but I'm still the selfish person I was. I think I notice it more now though... you don't really realize how blessed and selfish you are until you're with people who have practically nothing and want to give everything. It's humbling and shaking.

Everyone from the group keeps talking about how they can't WAIT to get back to Honduras... I feel the same.. but for me, it doesn't have to be Honduras. I will go anywhere. I loved the people there, don't get me wrong... I just don't feel limited to that one place. I want the whole world to know, and I want God to send me everywhere He wants. I just want to go. I still feel a strong pull for Africa-- one that's been there almost 3 years now-- but I can wait, as long as I can go and tell anyone and everyone. Even if it's "just" in Thomasville. I just need the boldness.

I guess my biggest change is how I view people. Our view in Honduras was not to view anyone we encountered not as people, but as souls. (Thank you Kristy.) That has stuck with me. I want to talk to everyone I know about their eternity and the life changing power of Christ. I have been talking with my brother a lot lately... he is my main hope and prayer right now. He has the head knowledge of Christ down pat... I just don't know where everything stands in his heart. I feel the need to get him to the passion conference in January the college class is going to. I told him I'll pay for his ticket and everything- I just need him to come and be as involved as possible. He said yes, and I'm holding him to it. I can only do so much with him without becoming defensive (long story) so I just pray God is going to work in him there. It wasn't my own idea to get him there. I promise. I just ask you guys to pray for him- he is in a weird transition point in his life and I want him to know relying on Christ is the only thing that will get him through. All I can really say there.

My crazy July starts on Monday-- camp after camp after camp. I know August 15th will be here before I know it... and I'm really kind of excited for it. Immensely. This month, and what's coming after will be awesome. I know it. I just hope I can hold onto what Honduras taught me everywhere I go-- I don't want it to fade in the least.

oh-- and I miss my sister. I think she loves killing chickens more than me now. :P I just want to see her face. :)

Honduras- The Come To Jesus Meeting

2010-06-28T22:33:00.000-07:00

I know a lot of people want a long post about everything Honduras involved... but I really don't think I can write about it all yet. God just did so much that I can't even fully wrap my mind around yet. So.... if you want to know it all we will just have to get together to talk about it. It just isn't something I can just write about. My apologies... you will all hear it all, I promise. :)

Although... to appease you... I'll share one story rightfully entitled

"The Come To Jesus Meeting"

It was the second or third day we were doing the nerve wracking door to door evangelism. The groups had been mixed around and now Casey Hearn, Kirk (Insert Last Name I can't recall at 1:37 in the morning) and I were in a group. We had been having an amazing morning. 3 people had already made decisions to accept Christ and feelings were high. It was just about time to head back to the church for lunch and the afternoon VBS. Casey and I had just decided to start turning to head back, when our translator started up a conversation with a lady in a house. She quickly invited us in, and we decided to just arrive back late for lunch and talk with her. There were two women on the "porch" talking with us. We asked them about their faith, and shared testimonies, and were just about to go through this thing called the evangecube- it's a nifty little flippy cube that goes through the salvation story- Right as Casey pulls it out of his bag, the kids from a nearby school are flooding the streets heading home from the first shift of school that day. Of course, they see a bunch of "Gringos" (white people) and a funny looking picture cube and it catches their attention. A bunch of them come right in the gate and sit down to listen. Casey shares the cube and the story, involving the kids and being interactive-amazing to watch. We asked questions, and dug in deep. Then, we stood up to pray, and asked if anyone felt that were ready to make the decision to accept Christ as their Savior and live for Him they could repeat the prayer after me. We started praying, Cathryn translating for them and slowly a large group was repeating the prayer... After we were done, a little old woman came hobbling out of the house, and Casey and I decided to speak with her. After much discussion, she decided she was ready and willing, despite her Catholic faith and the differences there were, to accept Christ. Following this, she shared her health issues with me and as Casey and Kirk marked various verses in the bibles we passed out, I prayed with her for healing and for God to provide a church close enough for her to learn and attend despite her weakness and her struggle with diabetes....

12 people accepted Christ in that moment we almost missed out on for the pb&j waiting back at the church. 12 people now knowing where they were spending eternity. 12 people we could have missed, and almost did.

As we were walking away, practically skipping in excitement, Kirk exclaims "I'm never using the phrase 'Come To Jesus Meeting' lightly again- that was a LITERAL 'Come to Jesus Meeting." We laughed, but that was such a true statement.

I am so very glad God led Cathryn to speak to that woman, and kept us from turning back for lunch. That moment was so more fulfilling than anything we could have eaten... It was by far the most moving experience- seeing all of those people understand, and it change in their eyes, right before me, that they understood they needed a relationship with the Only Person who can ever save them. There was no doubt that they may not have understood, as I had seen earlier that week. Just raw and honest need for Him. I love seeing and getting to be a part of God moving in people's lives...

Here's to real "Come To Jesus Meetings" and moments where God fulfills you and really reminds you what you're living for....

This collage sums up my Honduras- for the most part.

And then plus about 20,000,0000,0000 things more. :)

Graduation!

2010-06-12T17:12:00.000-07:00

There one about a million things I could say about graduation today... but rather than write it all out but instead I'll just put it all in pictures. So-here you go.

Officially. Graduated. :)

it's actually here... almost!

2010-06-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

I really can't believe I'm graduating in just a few days. Saturday morning I will ACTUALLY be done with high school. Its just so surreal to me. Numerous people told me it would be here before I knew it, and I just laughed it off and continued on my way. Now I sit staring at the hideous cap and gown (yellow is really not my color) in disbelief. It's really over. I have not one single regret from my high school days. Many more positive memories then negative, and some very dear friends and memories that will last me a lifetime. I am just so incredibly excited for everything coming this summer... let me lay out my next few weeks for you...

June 12th- Gradutation
June 14-15- App Orientation
June 19-26- Honduras
July 5-9- Caswell Childrens Camp
Following week is middle school camp
Then Summer With the Arts
Then Daytona High School Camp
Then a break to get ready for school
Leave for Apps Band Camp August 15th

I have very little time this summer to spend with all the people I am going to miss... but I am so incredibly excited for all of the opportunities God has opened up for me this summer... it still amazes me. He is really rather fantastic :)

** I got my graduation laptop... I'm in love with it. :)

*** My Grandmother is here... just pray... yea... pray lots. :P

Why hello my little blogging world!

2010-05-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

Hello!!

It has been such a while since I have written to all of you hasn't it? I figured I would spend my 4th period writing on here rather than teaching students or playing solitaire or sleeping in the floor... you should feel honored!!

Things are finally winding down in my time left in high school. I am officially done with with everything academically. And I still have a month left. I have taken all of my AP exams, almost 4 hours of sheer hades a piece.

Now, all that's left is building roller coaster models, trips to Carowinds, parties, concerts, prom, banquets and absolutely no educational material!! I just love it!! Oh, and did I mention I have to take NO exams to finish out the year? I get to not come to school the last week and a half of school because of the magic of exam exemptions. Yay. yay. YAY!!!

I'm getting pretty done in the band world as well. I'm pretty much just looking forward to my last concert on the 24th and my last chance to conduct with the band... it'll be a great send off.

I'm so incredibly pumped for Honduras... June 19th cannot come quickly enough my friends!!!!

Then, I am also going to Daytona Beach with the youth, being a youth worker for the middle school camp and taking a road trip with my lovely ladies Mary and Catie!!! It'll be an awesome summer!!!

THEN: I now go to college on AUGUST 15TH!!! 5 days sooner now!! It's rather graaaaaannnd!!! I have to go early for marching camp (I'll never give up my love for marching band) which means I have the dorm room to myself for five days before all the other freshmen arrive. I am so excited for it all to happen!!

I think I have found a roommate who loves Jesus and was a drum major at a nearby school and is going for elementary education as well!! She's not even an aggressive lesbian!! It's rather amazing!! We shall see there though!

In all, the things coming my way are pretty exciting. I look forward to ALL of it and the last bit of High School left isn't looking TOO bad. I think I'll make it after all. But don't worry... I won't forget all of YOU!!!

Clumsiness at its best...

2010-04-26T16:04:00.000-07:00

It would be a SEVERE understatement to say I'm clumsy. I literally cannot go a day without falling in some sort of way... Some days I'm lucky to do so in my own time, unnoticed, only me to laugh at myself. Today however, was NOT that type of time... unfortunately.

FIRST: I walk into my drama class and see these two guys sitting in Catie (BFF) and I's daily seats... didn't fly with me. So... I begin to ummm... politely ask them to move... Catie just gets a new seat... I however DON'T give in that easily. I continue my polite and gentle requests for them to move before I damage them greatly and one of the guys, trying to joke around with me (we really were joking... promise. I love Keyser!) pushes me back. I try to stable myself on one of the desks... ya' know the type with the chair and desk connected, that fall over when JUST the desk is pressed? Yea... I fall to the floor with the desk smashing down next to my head, and hitting the ALREADY angry girl who calls me "Lil' white girl." Let's just say she had some... expletives to share with me. I get up laughing and well... Catie and I get our seats....

SECOND: In part of the play my class is doing i have to run across the stage and make fun of, once again, Keyser. I was doing this scene and good ol' Keyser decides to practice his squirming abilities and kicks my feet out from under me while I'm in FULL out run. I fly through the air and smash into the awaiting wooden trophy stand, smacking the side of my face, my hands and one knee, then crumple to the floor. It was one of those moments where everyone groans "ohhhh.... ouch" in unison. Then laugh... as I hobble behind the curtain ad fake like it was NO big deal. Mary Catie and I spent our lunch time disc using my now disproportional knee which you can see THROUGH my jeans. Ugh.

THIRD: You would think that's enough... but nooooo. I need to embarrass myself in front of middle school-ers too, don't ya' think? In the middle of middle school woodwind class I tried to walk out of the room to go make copies and rather than looking at the stairs fell down the multi leveled band room floor. Then, trying to walk it off and ignore it I ran into the door... pushing it instead of pulling. Yea... they laughed... encouraged by my band director. Thanks Wes.

In all... I'm surprised I can stand on my own two feet most days... I'm collectively organizing all the times i have fallen and humiliated myself... the list is embarrassingly long...

oopsie...

2010-04-09T11:32:00.000-07:00

So yesterday i had a special moment...

Every morning my friends and I all sit in my car and listen to music and talk until the bell rings. It's one of my favorite times of the day... every now and then I'll leave something in the car or do something silly... It's just how I work. Yesterday was just pathetic though.

I left the car with my books and headed to class as the bell rang at 7:57. Mary Catie and I headed to class. Catie and I were laughing it up in drama class having a good time when two guidance counselors come to the door and ask Mr. Schilly if they can see me for a minute. I walk out and they're snickering to themselves and ask

GC: "Paige,were you planning on going somewhere today suddenly?"

ME: "No... why?"

GC: "Do you drive a silver Mazda in the front lot?"

ME: "Yes... did I leave my lights on again? I'm sorry!!"

GC:"No... Paige.... you left your keys in the ignition... and the car is still running..."

ME: "What?! Are you kidding me?"

GC: "hahahahahahahaha.... grab your shoes and go turn it off..."

*Yesterday was shoeless day... to raise awareness about the fact a lot of people don't have shoes or the things we view as daily necessities a bunch of people didn't wear shoes all day...*

Rather than explain that I just booked it down the hallway, out the door, down the sidewalk and across the gravel parking lot and got my keys and turned the lights off in my car. My friends and I had a good laugh, my car wasn't dead and I thought that was the end of it. Wrong.

Today, i get to my Teaching Assistant class and walk through the middle school cafeteria to ask my band director something... He tells me to go wait in the band room and I head that way. I hear this conversation as I walk away...

MY PRINCIPAL: Do you know what that intern, that kriegel did yesterday?

DEESE: What now?

PRINCIPAL: She left her keys in the car, STILL running in the parking lot for the first half of first period yesterday!! Crazy child!!

DEESE: HAHAHA.

I ran down the hallway red faced and laughing...

At least the faculty can get a good laugh and a few days worth of conversation out thanks to my negligence...

I'm never living this down...

Eh.

2010-04-06T17:00:00.001-07:00

I've been in this weird mood today. I'm in bed at 7:30 watching Hercules if that tells you anything. OK... Maybe I just made myself sound special rather than giving some miraculous insight. I just feel so tuned out of everything going on around me. I just miss a lot of people I was really close to and people I use to shape my life around. I don't even know why I haven't seen everyone. I haven't exactly had plans... I mean there was some being grounded involved but only people I REALLY love know that story. I just am getting all those feelings of being replaced and unnecessary in everyones lives... Andfo'f course all my stupid jealousy issues tie into all that... But eh- that's just me. Take it or leave it. I even feel odd around my friends. I think a lot of it is because I'm suffering from some major "livingintomorrowsyndrome." I have no patience for the 67 days left in high school (not that I'm counting or anything). Being so close to being done puts this impatience in me that not many I hang out with get because all my friends are juniors. (Not complaining... I love my friends... Just wish I could explain a little more to them as to why I'm so fed up) Ive been told it's probably good I'm getting some distance since that will be my life in a few short months... but I just miss eveyone. I want to sit in Matt's office and talk, and have dinner with the Beavers and Bowers. I want to have all the time in the world with my friends and family. I want to start babysitting all of my favorite kids again and have Sunday nights with my class. I know things will change when I head to App, but I don't want that to start now. I'm not ready for that. I guess I'm just trying to say I miss you guys. All of you. I think the only way to keep me from checking out completely is having things to keep me here. And time with all of you is definitely worth that. Hopefully this mood will change and I can quit focusing on the fact that i'm leaving and more on that fact that I'm here now. Because I'm not gone yet... And I need to quit living and thinking like I am.

So. Ready.

2010-03-31T09:31:00.000-07:00

I am sitting on the floor of my band directors office, listening to Leeland and counting the minutes until Easter Break. Ok... so I only have 3 extra days added but still it's more than normal. I cannot begin to express how ready I am to graduate. There is nothing left in high school for me. But... I'm not free until June 12th. Ahhhhh what sweet relief will walking across that stage be for me. I am so amazingly excited for what this summer will hold. Particularly the mission trip to Honduras. Only 83 days!!!! AHHHHH!!! I am so ready to go. We had our first official meeting on Sunday and I officially have passport papers turned in... and I am ready to walk onto that plane RIGHT now. Having my best friend Mary going with me is quite amazing as well. Getting our first taste of hands on missions together... what an experience. One thing I'm very ready to occur is a change in my worldview. I'm ready to see what change seeing another way of life will bring to me. I have never met anyone to come back unchanged from a mission trip... and I pray sincerely God is preparing my heart for a radical and life altering change. I'm just so eager my friends... I just can't wait. =)

Then... after this summer I am ACTUALLY going to college... Only 143 days till I move in. (August 20th, although I'll go earlier if I decide to do the ASU Marching Band) I'm actually going to Appalachian. Things may not have been working out perfectly according to how I personally planned everything... but I'm going. That hasn't changed... and I'm amazed by the way God worked that out for me. I believe what's going to happen is a lot of what I planned for my life will change anyway. Which will make sense with everything I haven't been getting lately... the music school, teaching fellows... getting a no from them may just mean God has even better plans for me than I thought. I'm so ready to know.

In all... I'm just ready. To be done with high school and to see everything that's out there God wants and plans for me. I am just so ready for it all... and it can't come quickly enough for me.

Another Update, because apparently that's all I write on here as of late...

2010-03-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

Things have certainly been interesting in my lovely little life as of late.

I just found out I didn't get into the music school at Appalachian... which bites... but I don't really think music is going to be my driving life force. I can still be a part of the marching band and play in a lot of the ensembles, and this opens up the chance for me to get back into theatre again... which I realized I've missed. It's just a bump in the road... and if it happens that my second semester of college the passion is still there I can still audition. Not being in the music school does not mean music is out of my life... I still very much so love it...

I find out t0morrow or saturday about Teaching Fellows. Did I mention its 26,000 DOLLARS!!! Just let me type that again.... 26,000. Ahhhh.... it'd be amazing. I hope so very very much guys. It's the best opportunity I've seen come my way... and it opens up so many things with teaching that speak straight to my heart. I would be so blessed. :) Let's just thank God for the work He's already done there.

I created a talent show that happened tonight. I became the brunt of peoples jokes, and kept the crowd laughing, and did a totally amazing "interpretive dance" with my bff's. Classic. And... earned at least 1,000 dollars for our band I believe... definitely worth it. :) Now I slowly start handing off responsibilities because next year... I won't be there. I kinda like and don't like that idea.

Now... I have a snuggly puppy to go cuddle with, and lot's of sleep to catch on. I've missed you all!!

:D

The Contents of My Bookbag

2010-02-11T08:10:00.000-08:00

I was sitting in Statistics today after failing a test... and decided I would look through my book bag... the contents really kind of surprised me. First: let it be known... I am only taking one actual academic class this final semester... and that's stats... which is a hopeless case. So... I need to bring stuff to occupy my time...

Anyway...

First there's my binder. Which is decorated with the pictures of my bffs and favorite children and my little giraffe thing. Its rather beautiful.

Then... I have a stats book which is stained with (and still smells like) peach coffee from the first week of school. Its covered with a skull book cover on which most of the skulls have colored green... because that's what I do in Statistics class.

Next is the knitting needles. Which I shouldn't have at school... but I do anyway. I'm knitting a purple headrest for my sisters car. It's pretty special.

I found a random crochet hook at the bottom... even though I don't crochet.

Next were the books. Way more books than I could ever read...

Redeeming Love
101 Things to Do Before you Go To Heaven
The Shack
Let Them Eat Cake
NIV Bible
NLT Study Bible
Spanish Phrases and words For Dummies (for when GK texts me in Spanish)

After the books came the papers...

3 notes from my friends... all about insane teachers or giraffe drawings

A drawing from Ashley

An Obama Hello Kitty Picture from Matt N.

The homework assignment I lost a week ago

A love note from a creepy guy back in 8th grade (how it got there I have NO CLUE)

3 different scholarship forms

A poem I memorized for drama class

A notebook with the Greek alphabet written inside repeatedly.

My journal

My new back up journal for when the first one fills up

A feather pen

2 Broken Pairs of headphones

1 working pair of headphones

A lost pair of earrings

A smashed pack of crackers

Cell phone (with 4 new texts)

An ipod (that was still playing)

A letter from GK that's old.

A new CD

and then some smushed crumbs of something I don't remember eating

Oh... and a bottle of tropical water.

The end. I think I need to clean out my book bag. :)

And that my friends is what I learned in statistics today

My Wee Little Update

2010-02-10T17:33:00.000-08:00

So much has been going on lately!!!! So I thought I'd throw an update your way... If anyone even reads my, very much on my part, neglected blog. Anyway....

The letter came... I officially have been accepted to Appalachian. I really cannot believe it. I knew I was a shoe-in to get in with my grades and record... but being able to say the words was amazing. I was a little emotional with it even. I could not believe the immense weight that was lifted off my shoulders when I opened that faithful letter... I still have my doubts about other options a bit... but just knowing I really can go there and all the doors I know of are actually open... its amazing. :)

Next: My Music School audition... I was wait listed. :/ Which really kind of bummed me out. The music school can only accept around 5 new saxophones next year and the director of saxophone wants to hear all of those auditions before making a final decision. Its just more waiting... but I should know here in the next couple of weeks. The guy I auditioned for really wasn't so nice about, making jokes about how I was upset he wait listed me... which in the mere moments after my audition was not a hee hee happy comment... but we'll see. My band director wants to have a word with him when he's up there next weekend... we'll see what that does.

Speaking of next weekend, I have been passed into the second round of the Teaching Fellows Scholarship. I didn't realize how amazing of an opportunity this was until just about every school in NC called or emailed or mailed me congratulations and free applications. The flow of mail has definitely increased. ECU even filled an envelope with confetti... it was totally fun. Back to next weekend: I have my interview which decides whether or not I get that amazing 16,000 (WOW) dollars and the security of a job when I graduate college. Its really amazing. Prayers please on that... I cant begin to express my desire to be a teacher... and that would really help. :)

Nothing much else lately. I'm officially 18 and I chopped all my hair off... its been a good week :) I've missed my little blogging world though. Off to study statistics say. There's a 99.99999% Chance I have no earthly idea whats going on for my test tomorrow... :P

My Newest Friend :)

2010-01-31T14:51:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I haven't written about this... and everyone knows about it... but I want to post tender pictures. SO:

I gotted a puppy!!!

Hers is a tender little almost 14 week old little puppy

Hers is a full bred husky.

Hers is my favoritist.

Really.

I just love her.

Seriously.

Now: Tender pictures of my favorite lil' puppy who brings me the ultimate amount of joy

She likes to sleep. A lot. She'll even do it randomly!!

We bathed her. She kind of liked it. And she doesnt smell anymore!

Her and Boo (my other dog!) get along REALLY well. :)

Boo Loves when she does that. Really.

She looks noble. Like casper used to do. Which makes me like her a whooooole lot.

Mainly... hers is just tender

And I just loves hers :)

"With friends like these, well... who need enemies?"

2010-01-15T11:51:00.000-08:00

I must say... I have been neglecting my friends a bit lately. Don't take this wrong... my friends pretty much keep me going (I consider them a gift from Jesus, who really is what keeps me alive. Making my friends little Jesus-es... or something. Moving on.) Anywho... I have just been so very focused on everything I want to do and have to get done and kind of push them in the background. And no... just seeing them at school isn't enough. I finally made time to hang out with Mary yesterday and I found myself having nothing to talk about. I mean... I told her a bit about how I had changed opinions about a person but I was speaking on a very shallow... not getting down to the nitty gritty truth of the matter. I was perfectly fine just sitting on the couch watching "Gilmore Girls" together. But... that wasn't and isn't really a relationship. Long story short: We ended up taking my dogs for a walk and I found the words to talk about all the stuff I have going on. We both had things to talk about... for some reason we just didn't have them at first. It was like we had to make up for the fact we hadn't really hung out and talked in a while.

Now...I am very much the love language of quality time. (Despite what my sister believes. I am NOT words of affirmation. They annoy me) Continuing: I get mad at people when they ditch out on me excessively (cough cough Matt cough cough) because I just want to spend time together. I want to sit and talk and get to know them. I have lost entire friendships (recently actually) because I or we didn't make the time to just talk. It was one I hung out with a lot this summer and even more this year... but as soon as things became a distraction and we didn't make time for each other it all fell away. I have fallen in love with going out to dinner with people. Not groups. One on one. Just sitting. This summer once... I went out to dinner with a couple friends and it was fun and everything... but afterwards I sat with one of them in their car and talked for almost 2 hours. No music. No texting. Just us talking. It amazes me how much you learn about people when you make time to invest yourself in them. When you really make a point to just be together. And I don't mean in a romantic way. Just a simple friendship, getting to know the other. I love hearing people's stories. I'm really trying to teach myself to listen better and even more so to remember when these times happen. I love when my friends and I go out and do something.... but the moments I remember most are the ones when we sat and talked about any and everything. We listened and laughed and just wanted to be together. It's those moments I revel in. The rest of this year... I want to make more and more of them.

So... I want to get to know you. Let's do dinner... just make time to talk more than eat. Let's just get to know eachother. We each have so much to share with each other.

My Few Exciting Updates

2010-01-08T19:33:00.000-08:00

Wow! I'm terrible at updating this thing lately, aren't I? Well.... here's some things that have been occurring in my life... just to get you up to speed

I'm almost done with my first semester of my year... YAY! School's seeming kind of pointless... but I only have one more semester to go through! I can make it!

I got 2nd chair in the all county band... where the director was... THE DIRECTOR OF THE MUSIC SCHOOL AT APP!!! YAY!!! Dr. Tobias and I are best friends... or at least he and I have emailed each other... that makes us bff's, right? I mean... he emailed me from London... TOTALLY bff standard right there

I'm first chair in the high school band... there was no crazy competition at east... so it's not that great of an accomplishment... but I like it! Were playing some amazing songs for contest season... including Rienzi and an amazing 20 minute long Spanish march. I'm giddy :)

I find out about app acceptance this month!! By Jan 26!!! AHHHHHH!!!

I have an audition scheduled with the professor of saxophone (and possibly Dr. Tobias) on the 20th of January... at 11am!!!! I can't wait!!!

I have this water bottle... and its cool.... except that when you put soda in it will blow up in your face... not cool... especially in the library where I'm not even supposed to have drinks :) I'ma rebel :P

Not much else is going on... I'm ready to graduate... and go to Honduras and college (APP PLEASE!!!??!) ... and to be a real life adult or something like that....

:)

The Sound of Melodies

2009-12-29T09:16:00.000-08:00

I have been having a lot of worries and doubts about this whole college idea. As January grows closer, and my Appalchian acceptance (or rejection) comes closer as well I was really getting rather nervous. I'm terrified I'll go there focused only on my plan and not go where God wants me to. I know... and have been told that God's plan isn't like throwing darts... If I miss the taregt I lose. He'll use and guide me where ever I go. That's comforting I must say. This last Sunday my pastor Michael was sharing a sermon on being a clay pot. Being used for whatever God needs us for, rather than playing the role of a useless vase. A show Christian, rather than a usable Christian. It made me start thinking again whether or not I'm being "usable." What if I'm just being a show Christian by choosing to go to App and not even applying elsewhere (I know... that's dangerous.) What if I'm not supposed to do anything with music, which is what I'm leaning towards right now. There's just something about music that gets to me. Music and kids. But... I started wondering if that's what I'm really meant for. And then... in the midst of all my doubts and fears this song stared playing....

The sound of melodies

Oh the sound of melodies

Rising up to you

Rising up to you God

The Sound of melodies

Oh the sound of melodies

For some reason, and even as I shared this with others and they don't seem to understand, I knew I was ok. I told God to handle it and I'll go. If App isn't for me I won't get accepted and he will open up the doors for me to go where I need and he wants me. I need to quit doubting and just listen. And trust.

**This song is by Leeland, and if you haven't heard it you must listen to it. It means a lot to me for other reasons as well.

It's Over.

2009-11-10T14:07:00.000-08:00

Ahhh... insert a sigh of relief and a few tears of sadness right here. Marching band is really over. Really completely actually over. I really wish I could explain all of the wonderful things that made up the marching band part of my life. I know... you guys will never really get it all but I thought I'd string together a few of the memories and moments that are important and make it good... and bittersweet and wonderful.

Marching band is...

Summer days spent making our feet pretty and teaching freshmen how to scream.

It's playing card games in the band room with the seniors and pretending to have sectionals

It's taking the rule of the school before the teachers are even there.

It's going out to eat with all your friends and being so exhausted from practice all you can do is sleep until night practice.

Marching band is learning to play amazing music that gives you cold chills and makes your skin tingle in the good way.

It's learning how to deal with people's BO taking over the world

It's the cookies and watery punch they serve on breaks

It's Saturday mornings given up to splash through puddles and march around like morons when you'd rather be sleeping.

It's racing down the hallways in teacher's rolly chairs

It's getting angry at all the people in your section and loving them the next day.

Jerk percussion players

and funny guard members

It's practices at brown and in pathetic fields.

It's break dancing and eagle cries

It's standing in front of the band yelling till your throat aches and it being worth it when they make the first hit of the show.

It's bus rides

and sketchiness

and singing with your best friends

It's running and never feeling like your in shape enough to make it through the season

It's making copies of music 7,000 times

It's racing down the hallways

and corrupting freshmen

It's falling off the podium once a practice

It's stripping in the band room and not caring anymore (jk)

Making Freshman laugh... and making fun of them

Learning drill and spray painting random objects

Mr. Deese's jokes and being beaten up by Mr. Keifer

It's dancing to "E-Bomb-Bomb" with Mary and Catie in front of everyone.

It's the victory lap after winning

Duck duck goose and licking trophies

It's talking with Mr. Deese about my future

It's extreme heat, and pouring rain, and rushing snow... (this year at least)

Cleaning the band room daily and always being afraid to walk on it

Being party-boyed by Matt and swung around by Daxton

It's tackling Freshmen

Late nights and early mornings

Hotel stays and party charter buses

It's sweat and blood and tears and anger and joy and

AMAZING.

and still much much much more.

I'm sad it's over but excited and ready for the next part of this year... there's more marching in my future.. I'm finishing out this year with a bang... and I'm ready for it. :)

OK: There's my last nerdy mention of marching band... the end.

Simply. Amazing.

2009-10-19T16:30:00.000-07:00

OH MY! It has been so long since I have written...

Thing's have been all about some band lately.... and I am still absolutely in LOVE with it. Seriously. I plan on doing a post explaining everything I can about my emotions towards marching band... but that's for once the season is over. For now...

I went to Appalachian on Saturday. It was my last time competing there as a member of the East Davidson band (unless I fail my senior project that is... which is totally an option) I was just giddy the entire day leading up to the contest. We got there and my bff's and I made a point to say that anything we were doing was being at Appalachian.

"Mary! I'm washing my hands... at Appalachian!"
"Catie!! I'm holding your hand... at Appalachian!
"Paige!! I Just brushed shoulders with a band member... from Appalachian... at Appalachian!"

Yep. Everything. (If you ask Mary and Catie I'm going there... there is no doubts or questions... I am)

Can I just tell you... I love that campus.It's so beautiful and there's so much going on about music and the atmosphere is great.

Then... it was time to perform. I conducted... in a blue thin strapped dress in 29 degree weather... on Appalachians field. The best feeling in the WORLD. I plan to be doing that with Apps band in about 4 years. :)

The show was amazing... marching on that field seriously made me happy. Then the App band played... sitting with my friends and family (even dad and brother!!) I was overjoyed. Their band is the bomb. They played the Tennessee waltz and I literally cried... I was pitiful... just the idea that my time here is ending and I'll hopefully be in that band... doing that... next year. Oh. Wow.

Then awards... we won... and I myself accepted the champion trophy from the DEAN OF APPALACHIAN!!! My mom got a picture of my giddy thanking him with the trophy in hand shaking hands. I think I'll send it with my application.

Oh... and the best part... we were concerned about whether we were winning as this other band with 271 members (almost 3X us) was getting a lot of awards (that didn't matter) and just as the award ceremony is ending...

it started to snow. Thick beautiful snow. I knew we had one at that moment.

So... I went to App. Shook hands hands with the dean.... won the competition... in the first snowfall of the year... with all my friends and family... and have already planned a campus visit to really show Mary and Catie what it's like there. I can't wait till Nov. when we go!

It was just... amazing..

That's what I get to do...

ahhh... I love it..

LOoooooooong Week...

2009-10-07T03:29:00.000-07:00

This week is proving to be the longest week in the history of ever.... I'm going to sound like a Debbie downer this next few sentences. Everything happened with Casper on Monday... which I still can't accept... and then that night my van broke down. It is possible "Oscar" has moved his last. When a car shakes uncontrollably and starts smoking out of the engine it's time to let it rest.... at least until we can take it in. Other than that it's been alright. My friends have been extremely and amazingly supportive. They wrote a memoir poem as a tribute to Casper that just cracks me up... then last night I had dinner with a friend and a movie night. Just the kind of fun I needed. (In a completely appropriate way!) Now... it's off to school for tests i missed... homework I avoided and people I want to see and really go there for. :)

Prayers please... it's homecoming week so things are a little out of wack at East... and it makes the days a little longer.

~Paige

2009-10-05T18:17:00.000-07:00

Can I just say... I am really going to miss him. I know... he was an animal... a dog... but he was my dog. I picked him out in kindergarten. And he was supposed to stay till I graduated.... it just doesn't feel right...

I love you Casper... You were the best dog ever. Noble... strong... protective...

My Casper

Tomorrow....

2009-09-25T21:38:00.000-07:00

It begins. First. Marching. Competition.

(Allow the nervousness to raidate through my body)

I don't know why I'm so scared. I'm ready. I want to make it all work... and I'm ready to hear the band play.... tonight went well. Nothing makes one smile more than a partial part of the drumline tackling you in congrats on nailing every tempo. (For the un-musically educated that means I waved my arms fast enough at the right parts)

I almost had a beat down on a fellow drum major tonight... with the other right along side me. I only got out a few snide comments before I removed myself from the situation to breathe and then I was good. They still felt crappy... but I wasn't so angry.

I can't say I'm stressed... I signed up for all this... and I honestly love it. I just wish I could explain to everyone WHY it means so much. But... I can't. I can't even explain it to my friends who think I'm doing too much. This is just right. The work is worth it... the people are sketchy some times but they make up different parts of my life

I only have 2 things to be prayed for. Rest: I have early early practice tomorrow... and it's going on 1am. I need my rest... but I still have things to do. (Don't worry... it's all worth it)

Next... pray for patience in my friendships. I'm getting into my jealous neglected feeling state that happens and it terrifies me that I'll walk out of another group. I love my friends more than they will probably ever know... I'm just feeling a little underappreciated and neglected. (I'm emotional... dont judge) Just pray for my patience.

I'm excited and nervous and a mix of all emotions tomorrow...

One definite thing... my eyelids are drooping... which means I say good night. :)

Thoughts...

2009-09-10T18:58:00.000-07:00

I can only say I have a LOT of thoughts running around my brain right now. With conversrations I've been having with friends, and adults and family, I am just lost in my own conciousness right now. I cannot begin to explain how petrified I am at the fact I have NO CLUE where I am headed. Right now, every door is open to me. Anywhere. And I can't think of the first step I need to take. I want a manual telling me what actions need to happen for me to figure out where I'm headed. I wnt instructions in every area. College, school, senior projets, my faith, my relationships, my family, my future... every little tiny thing. There is no way I can just pick absent mindedly. I keep getting the question "Don't you trust God?" Yes! I do! Implicititly!! That does not mean I won't still have some confusion. I am not in the place where I am denying his plan. I am at the place where I am standing with ears strained trying to see what direction he is pointing me in. What path, what option, what step. I trust Him. I do. Am I patient with his timing? No. Not at all. Which... I suppose makes it appear I do NOT trust him... but I can't figure it out. I'm doubting what i always thought would happen. Where I thought I could go. Where I thought I had to go. I got so settled on some of the future things,, finally accepted them and now I don't even really have those options anymmore. I have to take back all the acceptance I met these past few months and reconstruct my entire perspective. Again. It's frustrating.

I was talking with a friend today and we were discussing how we have those moments where suddenly, it's just like God is tapping at our heart hinting at where we should go. And you get that one thought... that can change everything. It comes and you would never expect it. It does not happen all the time... but when it does it sticks with you and you are willing to chase it. That thought...

"I want to do this... for the rest of my life."

I have only expressed those words twice in my short life...

Once whle working at Piedmont Park and relfecting over the kids there....

And (this one's nerdy) standing in front of my band as they get to the first hit of the show and everyone is into it.

Now... if I were to combine those two moments... those two very different purposes I would be becoming a muisc teacher to the underprivledged and abandoned.

Or a band director in a neglected area. Something odd. I'm ok with that.

No... I do not expect to know every little detail of my remianing life right this very second. Very rarely do I know what will occur tomorrow... however... my impatient and stubborn self wants to know something. I want to know right now where I am supposed to go to college. I don't want to sit here and look at this stack of college applications and scholarships and know nothing. That's just too much for me.

I just want a hint. I do trust Him. I'm just not that spontaneous of a person... I do trust Him... right?

The Party Song

2009-09-07T14:18:00.001-07:00

When one begins what seems to be a prestigous collgege level class while they are still in high school, it is reasonable to be worried or scared at the work level. I mean, English 4 AP is supposed to tough, right? I suppose... it makes it easier to know you're teacher does this...

College level? Riiight....

What does one do when...

2009-08-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

there is an empty gym...

two friends...

no teachers...

and an abandoned mike system?

SING A DUET OF COURSE!!!

I love me some TV!!

(sorry it so blurry... and sideways.... a cellular device can only do SO much.)

2009-08-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the first of many lasts. I start my senior year of high school. WOW. I still cannot believe it. I've got the shirt, the awaiting college applications, everything ready that proves I'm a senior. But to me... its so surreal. I am NOT really graduating this year, am I? Everyone else in my class is shrieking with joy at being a Senior and getting out of here, but I am just in awe. ME... a SENIOR! After a school year... one last school year, I'm really done with high school. Finite. End. It's flown by. It feels like I just started my 6th grade year. And in what now seems a very short time I'll be writing a post about how great its been and where I'm headed. I had a random anxiety attack tonight while I was on the phone with Mary. I didn't have a reason to have it...but it's all subconscious. My mind is not ready to accept this is the last year before a whole new chapter in my life. My last year at East. Maybe my last year here. I want to finish this part with as much meaning as possible. With a bang. With memories, and meaningful moments. That anxiety has now settled as a rock in my stomach and its keeping me up. I should be resting for that ever superficial first day of school, where everyone pretends they've changed this summer... we all know were the same people and in 2 weeks this'll just be high school again and we'll forget the facades and deal with it day by day. Still... it starts tomorrow... and I'm anything but ready.

Why I love It...

2009-08-20T19:58:00.000-07:00

So...this whole drum major thing was totally stressing me out this week... but sometimes I get those moments where everything goes right... just how it needs to and I remember every reason why I love this and why I'm doing it.

The moment, when everything is right with my friends, when I know my dad is coming home, when I'm tired and digusting, but I'm on the podium, legs and arms tensed, beat pulsing in my entire body, the band makes that turn, and their eyes are on me, and they nail every entrance and you just know everyone is literally lost in the music. I hit every transition... and catch the eye of every one of my amazing friends and they smile....and my directors are screaming out of pure excitement at our sound and energy....

It's the moment when the last beats of the song come and my arms achingly push out that last beat and everything stops and we echo against the school buildings and we have chills just because of our sound... its when no one can find something negative to say and were all working in unison...completely devoted, all of our energy going to the same goal. I remember why I love band, and this position.... I just love it.

We finished the drill for the entire first song, something that hasn't been done my entire high school career... and meet the band is Sunday. Our first time for a crowd. It' really marching season... I'm really doing this.

:D

** A Prayer Request**

My band director did not get the desired custody of his kids... and seeing his and their heartbrokeness today broke me. I huddled with his kids in a backroom after they found out...them crying on my shoulders, arms wrapped around them. Kids stay important to me no matter where I am. Pray for his sons, his family by newer marriage, and for him as well.

A friend of mine is facing a tough decision dealing with schooling. Allow her to make the decision based on what she needs...not on what I or her other friends want her to do. She has amazing potential no matter where she goes... I just ask for her to know what the right decsion for her alone is.

Thought and fears

2009-08-16T18:19:00.001-07:00

I have been extremely frustrated lately. I have been thinking about so much lately, and it makes my head dizzy. Friends, future, family, (f words apparently.) I am holding onto so many things that I can't get a grip on a single thing. I still try to save everyone and it is NOT MY PLACE. I selfishly try to play the role of the martyr and solve every one's problems. Just as I have to trip and fall along the way, I have to let others. figure out there own path. I do not have everyone figured out... I am too quick to judge...and it's starting to hurt my relationships. I am slipping in my faith, and falling, and forcing myself to get back up and try it again without His help. I know I need more of him, but I still pull this "strong enough" role and walk away. I pull the biggest hypocritical act by telling others to strengthen their faith, while my bible remains untouched in my bag. I can't pull myself apart like I know needs to happen for me to get back on track. I couldn't take Him picking through my mess and fixing me. I have gotten so good at making everyone believe I have it all together. I'm on top if the jobs, on top of my game. Until the doors close and I realize just how much I'm losing it. I do not blame drum major... that has helped me sense I started... I have gotten a little more confidence... and I thank God for that opportunity.
I was talking with a friend about his long needed one on one time with his creator... and it made me jealous. Why can't I get that? I don't feel I ever really have. I want more than anything to curl up in my Abbas lap and just talk with Him. He knows it all... but I want to hear his response. "I try to hear from heaven...but I talked the whole time" I need silence with my father...loving time where all that matters is I am His. Only His.

With my friends...I cling to them so much I feel like I'm suffocating them. Though they may ask my opinion... that is ALL it is... an opinion. They will choose their own path... and sometimes they know what's right for them. I love listening to their thoughts and fears but I begin to listen so much I feel as if I'm involved. It's their battle to fight. I can only encourage them and give them guidance... and understand my way is most likely not the best for them. I might feel like I'm letting them fall... but they're strong... and they can make it. I'm here no matter what way the trials end. To celebrate or to mourn. Laugh or cry. I want to help them... but sometimes the best way to do so is to step back and let them decide. I cannot control them. I shouldn't want to.

I'm having issues with my Sunday School class. I used to love everything about it... but now I feel distant and uninvolved. I force myself to go because I know disappearing from that part of life is the last thing I need. I only connect with the adults in there... I'm not part of the beloved inner circle that coats the side wall every Sunday. I feel like I'm judged every time I walk in... and I know I sit there judging all the people too. Why is church that way? Why does it always bring bitterness? Hurt people? As a body of believers it shouldn't be that way. I want my class to grow. I want us to get along in sincerity... and I want us to be united. I hate the insecurities I feel when I'm there. I know I need to take the first step... cross that bridge and bring the change I feel necessary. It's my part to do... I just don't want to be rejected... and the fact it's at church scares me even more. The Sunday school teachers keep me going... they build me up and hear me out. I hate that I'm considering using marching as an excuse to ditch out more... I know the disappointed texts that would ensue. I just want to know if time away would help. I know I wouldn't be adding to the growth I want. That isn't an option. Running never is.

I a terrified of the things coming my way guys. I cannot believe that I am a senior. No way!! I cannot believe that in a year I will most likely be saying good bye to everything... and moving away. That isn't how I want to leave things. I love the offers to move in with youth workers... to work things out to stay here. It's what I want. I have no clear answer of where I should go. If I do have to go... if He's really sending my for some reason oblivious to me... I know I'll start closing off relationships to avoid that painful goodbye. I know college will mean goodbyes in the first place... but Minnesota or whatever state my family lands in is much further than I planned.I don't feel prepared for a move. For a goodbye. For anything. I don't do well with change. I don't do well with good byes... I don't do well with things not being how I expected. Blame my authority issues... I just need a forewarning.

I need my daddy. and I need my Daddy. Both of them.

The Fun Part of the Job

2009-08-01T07:05:00.000-07:00

I admit... going into this drum major thing was a little scary when I looked at the workload. Hours in the bandroom, stacks of paper work, unorganized music libraries, getting along with the other two, and the whole arm waving thing. It's a little intimidating. But... I've discovered this job entails so much more... and a lot of it is fun.

1) Sometimes... when cleaning the bandroom one can orange glow the wooden stage and have a sliding contest. Or swing dancing... or just fall a lot. In shoes it's crazy... in socks... you get splinters.

2) There might even be a wasp nest that needs to be removed. So... you make a video of yourself being an Australian person and use lots of random objects to knock it down. A drum stick, paint roller, spirit stick, ruler, ferbreeze, lots of stuff. Eentually it'll get knocked down... and the wasps will get in the bandroom... just hit em' with a broom.

3) A lot of times, the best way to releave stress is to just dance. So... turn on some sketch music and have a dance party with your fellow drum majors and Bffs. If you're really crazy you can take one of the flags from the gaurd closet and pretend you know what you're doing. Just don't hit the ceiling... that's loud... but extremely funny.

4) Of course... one must venture out for lunch. Make sure you hit up the sketch resturaunts first. Where it takes forty five minutes to make a 2 dollar grilled cheese sandwhich. If you can't handle the wait... try just eating chips and salsa at a mexican resturaunt. At least order a drink... then you won't feel like you're ripping off the restuarunt too much.

5) You may have thought all we band people knew how to do was toot our horns and march with pretty feet and be in a cult. Who knew we had talent with paint as well!! I mean... the tubas with just LOVE their cubbies being painted... with polka dots... and orange... right?

Another Year of SWTA!!! (Pronounced Swaaaataaaahh)

2009-07-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

Yet another week of S.W.T.A has finished!!! While it is bitter sweet in the fact this might be the last year I can help with, It was still crazy fun. No matter what... these kids make me laugh... Here's what the week taught me...

1) Even 4th grade girls know the "girls code of honor" When they have a crush on a youthworker, they'll make sure you're not dating or like them before holding their hand.

2) It is very flattering for a ten year old to have a crush on you. Especially when they hug you ten times a day, and upon a costume change into more "girly clothes" scream "lookin good Paige!!! WOW!"

3) Little boys just "LOVE!" getting 11 birthday kisses.

4) Some 4th graders parents are teaching their kids about puberty (the P word to kids) using books, diagrams, the internet, and fruit to show sizing. Poor girl is scared.

5) Being the "cool youth worker" means little kids are more likely to intentionally hit you repeatedly in the face with a dodgeball, and laugh as you fall to the ground, and then will get the other children to hit you while your down.

6)When your group signs up to do a cheer and song at musical lunch, make sure they KNOW a song and cheer. Yeah.

7) Pretending to pour coffee on Mrs. Debi's head is a sure fire way to make kids giggle uncontroallbly. And tattle on you. (It's ok... I made debi hold hands with me. It was nice)

8) Being the cool person to sit with at lunch helps your self esteem. Until all the kids think you're really hungry and stack ten containers of apple sauce in front of you.

9) When kids see your obsession with hats they will find it funny to get the whole group of twenty one kids playing a week long game of "Take Paige's Hat." This can mean you'll get pushed to the ground, stepped on, tickled, and possibly hurt in their attempt to capture the days hat, but they NEVER win.

10) No matter what they do to you, it still warms your heart when a kid comes running back for that "one last hug." (time 100) Then, when they decide your their new best friend and make you a charm key ring... you'll have to wipe the tears away.

New Blog Header

2009-07-19T18:05:00.001-07:00

New Blog Header. I was bored. Tell me if I suck at life. Just kidding. Tell me what you think... this may just be a desperate plea for comments. However, I refuse to admit I may have sunk to that level.

:)

A Shout Out To The Lord...

2009-07-15T07:44:00.000-07:00

Last night, I with all my nerd-ality,went to the midnight premier of Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (Phenomenal movie FYI) I went with a group of people I kind of knew, and it was a really fun time. After the movie, I went to the restroom and came out looking for my group. This guy walking by, kind of young looking and not unattractive does a double take on me and attempts to make small talk. He comments on my hat, and shows me his light up Harry Potter Wand. (It was kinda cool!) I said goodbye, keeping it to small talk and went over to my group of friends. We were standing there talking, dissecting the movie, chatting it up and I notice this guy hovering. It was kinda creepy. he would make circles around our group and stopping by me like he wanted to talk. Eventually, he found a point he could weasel his way into the conversation and began talking with him. Our nerdy group commented on the Harry Potter wand, (He let me do a spell :) ) and then he told us some stories about Harry Potter in his life.

Something when he was seven... won a contest. Loved the books. Cool guy.

He tells us his name is something like Zian... I don't totally remember (it was 3:30 in the morning)

As he waves the wand around, he says "Well, I already know she's cool, her hat is just awesome" (classic orange and brown billed hat... it's my favorite!)

I smile, and introduce myself, "Hey, I'm Paige. Nice to meet you"

He continues to talk, and finally, in front of the whole group asks "So, how old are you?"

"17"

His eyes get huge, and he yells loudly. "JESUS CHRIST" and walks away without a backward glance. I attempt to find out what is so offensive about my age.... (The kid could have been 12... maybe getting towards 14 or 15... we had potential. :P )

Ryan ,Tyler and I were almost on the floor laughing. We through out a couple of "Praise Jesus'" and headed home.

I make boys cry to the Lord... and run away. It's not looking so good for me. I couldn't even get the Harry Potter fan...

"It's bee a long day... and all I gotta say is make it strong. It's been a long day and all I gotta say is I've been wrong"

2009-07-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

I have locked myself away in my room for some reason. I'm cleaning, which I always seem to do when my Dad comes home. By the time his visit is done my bedroom is spotless... I don't know why. I'm siting in my room. Listening to Rosie Golan. She's my new best friend. Mellow, relaxing, relatable music. I realized today, as I talked with someone that I have become rather numb to some and most situations lately. I don't mean this as a worrysome comment, a need for pity, anything. I just don't have much emotion towards things. I think I've just come to the point where I am not going to chase after people anymore. If you walk away, I am not going to be the one to fix it. That's probably very immature, but I'm not happy running after people who walked away from me in the first place. The realationships I have now are amazing. The people who are there for me, the people I'm there for. I am so very happy with them. They keep me going.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. I'm really looking forward to my senior year. With band, the classses, my friends, the amazing oppurtunities. It's going to be an amazing year. However, I WILL have to make the decision soon. I have to start considering it. I know where I want to be. I don't know where I'll end up. Those I talk to say I cannot put my parents relationship as a factor when it comes to choosing college. I cannot seem to forget about it though. Here's the facts, where I decide to go to school WILL affect the choices of my parents. Staying means splitting the family in half, going means leaving some family behind and a group of people who have changed my life inexplainably. The converation with my parents is coming. They (meaning my father) hint at where I'm desired to go. Minnesota has some great schools. So does NC. It scares me to have no idea where I will be a year from now. And I have no clue.

2 Hours later...

I talked with both my parents, and they have said as of now I will be paying college if I choose to remain in North Carolina. I was planning on assisting in paying for my college, trust me, but now this is just a little scary.

I just got done writing a letter to the admissions office at Appalachian. I told them my situation and asked if I would be forced to pay out of state tuition due to my parents decision. I also asked them what I can do legally to avoid the out of state costs. Now we pray for an answer and start seriously looking at schools in the North. In Minnesota and around. Some odd law there makes it possible for students to attend schools in several varying states and pay in-state tuition. We'll see.

~Paige

Some wisdomly tips

2009-07-08T16:15:00.000-07:00

When one gets their wisdom teeth removed there are some things to remember. I hope these tips will help you should you ever go through this shocking experience.

1) When the dentist asks you if you want the gas mask say YES!! This adds to the experience so much. Everything is funny with this!

2) When the dentist gives you the IV anestitich they'll be interested in whether or not your getting sleepy. Be cool like me and NOT get sleepy! At all! Requiring them to give you multiple vials of that special stuff! Youll have a nice nap.

3) The dentist will numb your face if course so make sure you stare at the nurse and bite on your rubbery tongue. Eventually, since they aren't watching you you'll just bite the tip of your tongue right off. It feels awesome when the numbness wears off.

4) Do your best to wake up in the middle of the procedure. They'll give you more of that fun vial stuff. And go to sleep.

5) Make sure you have people you like to come visit you. You won't really remember anything so who knows what happens. Make sure someone like your youthminister brings a camera and takes pictures of your swollen drugged self. Maybe your BFF will come and you'll discuss important matters. Like the fact hippos are the misunderstood fat kid of the animal kingdom. She will also bring you a card and pudding and a cd! Yay!

6) Keeping your face well iced is important.Be really cool and just use an ice pack made for knees. It'll strap right on your face and you'll look like Abraham Lincoln. Your family will call you abe making you really happy.

7) Make sure to watch That 70's Show with your Family. Suddenly everything on that show will be hysterical! You'll just keep on laughin. And laughing. And laughing. And then you start crying!!

8) Make sure you take your medicine. Vicodan is a gift from the Lord. Sometimes it'll make you fall asleep and sometimes it'll keep you awake. Sometimes it just makes everything funny.

9) Food! You have to eat when you get these suckers taken out. Although eating is the last thing on your mind. You can eat lots of fun mushy things. Then your sister will dare you to eat crunchy hard things and make you want to cry! So... Go eat your mush and be lucky enough to have a mom who makes really good smoothies. Except you can't use a straw. Which will make you sad.!

10) Always remember beauty is found within. It's not to say you won't be desirable after this procedure... If someone likes bloody drooling swollen bruised cheeks and severed tongues, than they're in luck! Just remember... You'll always be beautiful... In some way. Maybe you have great legs... And people won't be distracted by your face... If you have weird legs like me... Just don't go out in public. And avoid scaring small children.

A Little Note

2009-07-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

I just want to make this VERY clear. Yes, I am trying to figure things out. I do however know very well who I am in Christ. I just want to clear up that image and look more like Him. I want to learn more about Him. I am not about to go out and try a bunch of really stupid reckless things to figure out my identity. I know clearly I am a child of Christ. I know that people. When I was writing about experiencng things, that probably wasn't the best way to phrase it. Anyone who knows me knows that I don't do the types of things people are thinking I'm about to do. I am totally willing to hear other peoples opinions. I want to hear your stories, your struggles. I'm not about to go mess up my life. I posted that blog to quickly and on a whim, and the things I'm hearing because of it are frustrating. Remember the whole NOT refusing Godly council? Yep. I will hear what people have to say. Just don't expect me to automatically take what you say as truth. I am digging into the word. Not just reading it some more. I'm reading other books as well, from Godly council. Hearing other peoples stories. I am not running from God, and I am NOT doing this to rebel people. I am not going to do anything stupid, and I know who I am in Christ. Do I struggle with some self image stuff? Yes. Is my family messed up half the time. Yes. (But every family is to be honest. We all have our struggles) I am learning that Christians are some of the most messed up people on the planet. We think we have to be perfect and no one else can know our mistakes and blemishes. I don't want that life style. I want to be real. True. I know I am accepted by Christ as I am. Is He changing me, heck yes. Do I need the change, even more so yes. I promise I am doing this in a smart way. I am not rebelling, I'm actually toning down my rebellious nature through this. I'm seeing what my faults are, where my logic is messed up. I'm not being stupid. I'm seeing how messed up I am, and just how messed up everyone else is too. I know who I am, not totally sure where I'm going. But for once, I'm getting the answers through Christ. Through his teachings. Please notice that. HIS TEACHINGS. Not through reckless choices. You people know I'm not like that. So, I wanna hear your story. Talk to me.

Thinking It Through

2009-07-03T07:24:00.001-07:00

I have been doing a ton of thinking lately. I have been dissecting my views, my opinions, my thought processes and trying to discover where they came from. I don't want to think like everyone else in my life does. I'd like to say I'm being very "Red Letter" but I can only say that's my goal. I want my thoughts and opinions to be direct reflections of Christ. I want to think and believe like He did. I'm sick of sitting around nodding in agreement with every one's close minded views. I have never been one to think inside the box, yet I have allowed myself to be pulled into the cliche thinking's and thought processes of everyone around me. I'm not rearranging all this just so I can say I am original, I am different. I don't need that. I just don't want to know that I don't have my own true opinion. I don't want to believe what my parents, friends, Sunday school teachers, classmates, and everyone else believes just because I am too lazy to construct my own opinion. I also don't want to form an opinion on something I have little to no knowledge about. Someone told me recently I am rebelling against scripture. Though I trust this person to be Godly council, I am still going this way. I don't really see that my authority issues are coming out on my relationship with Christ or my understanding of scripture. My reshaping of views is actually getting me further into scripture. I'm reading it more, spending more time struggling with God (on a positive level). I refuse to think what everyone wants m to think. I refuse to be mixed up in the one sided opinions of those around me. I want to get a glimpse at the other side. No I'm not going to "get pregnant just so I can experience it" as someone said, but I am going to find out what all the fuss is about with the hot topic issues. With all the issues. I'm reading up on both sides, maybe experiencing some of it too.

Who knows where this will take me, I just want to figure things out on my own. I won't refuse Godly council or wisdom from anyone. In fact, I WANT to hear your opinions, your constructive criticism. Why do you think in such a way? I want to know. I have been accused of just slipping in to senior-itus with this. I think it's something more. Its not just me rebelling for the sake of rebellion. In a year I'm going to have to know things because I know them, not because someone told me I should think a certain way. I won't have the people to tell me what to think, at least not the positive one's I do now.

I'm figuring things out on my own. I just need people to accept that I'm going to stumble. I might make some stupid decisions, I might make some awesome ones. I just need to figure all this out. And before I'm out of the safe area I have now. Tell me what you guys think, about anything. I want to know what everyone thinks. I want to talk with you. Let's do lunch and talk about the subjects everyone avoids. Let's dig into scripture and figure out where we all should be headed. I can do this alone, or I can have people with me along the way. I don't care who you are. Let's talk. I'm thinking this all through. Do it with me?

Student Life Camp

2009-06-18T22:02:00.000-07:00

This is not the full out blog about this week. Trust me. I will fill you in with all details soon. Right now I am thinking a lot about this week. In all honesty, its just been weird. Thats not to say I haven't gotten anything out of the week, I have... It's just that I've been in a funk. I wasn't hit emotionally by anything in the messages, I'm not feeling a huge high in my faith... I just don't understand. I was worried this would just be anothe year where I cry and promise I'll change and get nowhere. Instead I was emotionally drained the entire week. Maybe it was the combination of returning to Piedmont Park and my Dad being home while I'm not. I don't really know what happened. I almost feel like I wasted this week. I got nowhere spiritually, and isn't that the point of this week? To rid myself of distraction and find a closenes with God? Then why didn't anything happen? I know it isn't that God was absent... You could tell he was here working all around. I know I kept a guard up this week. I was afraid of losing it emotionally so I shut down all emotion and closed myself of from that part. I guess I was hoping I would still feel God without the overbearing emotional side. I want to have a faith that does not depend on emotion alone. I don't believe by trust in God can be based on only emotion. Otherwise I would only feel all the things of being a Christian. I wouldn't have anything to go on when the emotion was gone. I'm pretty sure I've been ultra dependent on God speaking to my emotional side. And I believe my emotions had changed this year. Yes, I still have them but I don't depend on them as much as I do my mind now. I'm not completey sure where I'm headed with this. Despite my confusion at the moment I did realize some things this week through watching myself.

I have no filter anymore. It is gone. Several times this week I was just not doing, thinking, or saying the things I should. I had to be monitored. My middle school girls had to tell me to look at my wrist (where I had a tatoo to help me remember to keep my focus and it thouhts clean) several times a day.

Kathy Huddler is my hero. I really got to know her more this week and it was awesome. She's brilliant, funny, encouraging and just amazing to be around. She and u really bonded this week. I loves her.

I am OBSSESED with pleasing people. Especially my youth minister. I don't know why but I am terrified I will disappoint him, uspet him, or just not me enough. It's nothing he does... I'm just messed up. I'm like this with everyone but I really worried about his opinion this week. I always do for some unknown reason. I'd really like to know why

Imperfect Persistence

"I know better then to be friends with boys with girlfriends... or witnessing to the opposite sex.

This Might be My last Chance to Tell Them That You Love Them...

This is the great adventure... (I Promise Never to Reference a Cheesey Christian Pop Song Again)

Silly stories, and sharing life with the unexpected.

It seems like no man's land...

The Clash... (Read like the Claaaaaaaaaw)

Clay Pots and Brokeness

Beloved

I AM WHO I AM

Interning...

Amanda and Nick Land Wedding

Imperfect. Persistence.

The End is Near my Dear...

Just a little bit...

Mary Edminson

So 6am... how ya doing.

This is not a proper blog post.

Disjointed

Scavenger Hunt Sunday :)

Coleton and Zoe Shoot

I heart faces :)

Scavenger Hunt Sunday- # 2

Scavenger Hunt Sunday

Socio Saturday

Black & White Wednesdays- Converse Love

Pictures, meds and easy A's.

Black & White Wednesdays Round 3: (A little Late)

I heart faces :)

Just Some Pictures to Share :)

Oh Chick-Fil-A

Black & White Wednesdays Round 2:

Black & White Wednesdays

Things I Shouldn't Do In Public...

Renew me.

Christmas (=

First Semester DONE

This ongoing conversation...

Olivia and Natalie Shoot

Impromptu Parkway Trip

I Don't Know What I'd Do With It...

Thank You

Wait- no one told me there was HOMEWORK in college...

12 Months Ago

He is Jealous for me

Jazz Band!!

3.6.5.

A Special Visit...

Blessed and Encouraged

La Dorm

A-Papa-La-Chian

*My Apologies*

College: Day 1

If I had Jesus In An Itty Bitty Box...

Attention All Who Have Been There: COLLEGE

New Header!

The Day Is Near

Daytona Flippin' Florida

Caswell

Being Home

Honduras- The Come To Jesus Meeting

Graduation!

it's actually here... almost!

Why hello my little blogging world!

Clumsiness at its best...

oopsie...

Eh.

So. Ready.

Another Update, because apparently that's all I write on here as of late...

The Contents of My Bookbag

My Wee Little Update

My Newest Friend :)

"With friends like these, well... who need enemies?"

My Few Exciting Updates

The Sound of Melodies

It's Over.

Simply. Amazing.

LOoooooooong Week...

Tomorrow....

Thoughts...

My Apologies